Bridging the Past
by IdrilsSecret
Summary: Dean reminisces about his past, a tumultuous time during his youth that set him on a slow decline of self-worth. His saving grace ... Castiel.
1. Chapter 1 Cracks and Rust

**Chapter 1 – Cracks and Rust**

Several months had passed since Cas and I 'made it official'. I could count on one hand how many times we'd spent the night together. His duty as an angel and my job as a hunter were taking up a lot of our spare time lately. So, when we were free to experience one of those special moments, we didn't hesitate.

We never met anywhere except within my room in the secret bunker. It wasn't safe outside of this place. I could let him in and then seal us up tight so no one else could see or hear what we were up to. It didn't ward off Sam, though. Cas and I had a couple close calls, but I always managed to send him away before my brother came knocking on my door. All I had to do was erase part of the symbol I had hidden behind a Pink Floyd poster on the wall, and Cas could pop out of here without detection.

I had the night off tonight, or rather, I didn't have to leave the bunker. I was supposed to be doing some research, giving Sammy's eyes a break from the head-splitting glow of his laptop. He'd left about half an hour ago, taking some time to breathe the fresh air and renew himself. I wasn't much for using this contraption to do research. Holding a book in my hands, actually flipping pages, that certain smell that a book had, especially an old one, that's how I chose to do my homework. As far as I was concerned, the internet was only good for porn.

Now there's something I hadn't looked into for a long time, not since my first time with Cas. I found that watching it or looking at pictures just wasn't entertaining anymore, not when I had a gorgeous angel I could fuck. But it had been a few weeks since I'd seen him and, to tell you the truth, I was one horny bastard right about now. I considered it for a moment, then I closed the lid to the laptop.

"Not now, there's too much work to be done," I berated myself. I popped another cap off another bottle of beer and drank deep. It was good, but not like whisky. I promised my brother that I'd lay off the hard stuff. I'd have it on occasion, but not around him. He seemed ok with the beer though. The fact was, I didn't need it anymore. I'd gone through some really difficult shit. The booze numbed me from having to deal with it. It was the coward's way out, I know, but I just needed to forget about it all for a while, until I could come to terms. Until I hit rock bottom was more like it.

I took another swig of my beer and remembered the day I decided to make that change, to pull myself out of the black ooze that I so blindly dwelt in. It was a really bad time. I didn't give a shit about anyone or anything. I'd find the roughest bar in whatever town we happened to be in, get drunk, pick a fight with the biggest badass in the joint, and hope he'd beat me to a pulp. The best beatings happened after I tried to seduce the bastard's woman, especially when he saw that she was actually considering going home with me. That really pissed him off. If he'd only known that I'd rather suck his dick than her tits . . .

Death would have been swift … and don't think I didn't consider it. Like I said, I was in a really dark place back then.

My downward slope didn't happen overnight. It was a long time in the making with lots of little situations adding to the bigger picture. Like anything else, it's always several small things that eventually lead up to the big disaster. A bridge doesn't just collapse for no reason. Takes years of cracks and rusty bolts to finally loosen and crumble, and then it becomes too much and … BAM, it all comes crashing down. But no one was paying attention to the signs. It's just a small crack, they'd say. One bad bolt won't bring the whole thing down. But you can't ignore it and hope it goes away.

That's exactly what I did, though.

It was more than ten years ago. I was young and dumb and … well, you know the rest, and if you don't then you shouldn't be reading this. Anyways, I'd been hunting with my dad since I was old enough to do it, but there was a time when I demanded my independence. Sammy was in high school, safely tucked away from the reality of the world, and I was old enough to set out on my own for a while. Dad didn't like it at first, but he gave in as long as I followed two important rules. I always made sure to check in with my old man, and I didn't work alone. So, I met someone like me, a young rebel ready to take the world by its hairy balls and shove shit back into the cesspool from whence it slithered. We made a great team, and as crappy as this job could be, I was actually having fun.

His name was Aiden Somers. He was originally from out west somewhere, blonde hair … that short messy look, blue eyes, good looking like me. Had a tough upbringing, in and out of juvie, normal stuff for kids like us. We met through a mutual friend. Aiden's specialty was vamps. He hated the sons-of-bitches. I learned a lot from him, especially how to find their nests. The thing about Aiden, though, was that he almost enjoyed it too much. It was a game to him. That's a lesson my dad taught me early on. Never get cocky with the job. But Aiden, it was like he could do no wrong. He got the bastards every time. Watching him was like reading a book you can't put down. I really got excited when we worked these things together. And by morning, the nest of vamps was exterminated. We would get in and get out, pure magic. Still, I couldn't help but think that he was looking for something more, like destroying a nest wasn't good enough. He still hadn't found what he was searching for.

Our adrenaline was through the roof after a job, and we'd get a case of beer and head back to whatever roach motel we were staying at. Then we would drink and talk until the excitement wore off, and sleep away the rest of the day. This one time, in particular, we were pretty well wasted, and started talking about relationships and stuff. We found out that we both lost our virginity at the same age, and agreed that it was impossible to have anything normal. When you didn't stay in one place for very long, there was no chance of meeting anyone to connect with. Things went from there, and the conversations got heavier. I'll admit it. I was attracted to him, and I started making subtle hints. I felt comfortable enough with Aiden that if he discovered my true sexuality, I didn't think it would matter to him. As we talked, we discovered we had a lot of stuff in common, and by the time we finished the last of the beer, we were naked and rolling in the sheets.

I woke up the next morning with my head splitting in two, but sated to say the least. Aiden lay behind me, his body contoured to mine, an arm draped around my waist. It was the first time I felt normal. I knew this was something more than one night. We never would have taken things that far if it was any other situation.

I hated to move and wake him, but I had to take a leak. So I moved Aiden's arm up and over, trying not to move to fast. Then I scooted to the edge of the bed and got up. When I came out of the bathroom, he was awake, sitting up on one elbow, watching me. No one had ever looked at me like that before. It warmed my skin, sent blood rushing to places much lower.

"Hey," I said with a nervous smile.

"Morning," he smiled back. Then he patted the mattress, inviting me back. That was all I needed to know that we were good, and that what we had done the previous night was mutual.

I climbed back under the sheets, and Aiden and I laid side by side, staring at the ceiling. Until now, we had been nothing more than best friends and hunting partners. Now what would we talk about?

"Did I ever tell you how I got into hunting?" he asked, stretching his arms up, and taking hold of the headboard.

I glanced at his chest, the rippling of his stomach, and the fine dusting of gold hair that trailed from his navel and disappeared beneath the sheet. "No."

"It was eight years ago," he started. "I was twelve, a nerdy little kid that liked to keep to himself. I got picked on a lot in school because I was so quiet."

"Hard to imagine you as quiet," I laughed softly.

"Yeah, well, I was different then, I guess. I had a shitty home life. My dad was an abusive asshole. Used to hit my mom on a regular basis, and when he was through with her, if he still had the energy, he'd come after me."

"He sounds like a real prick," I agreed. "So what happened? You run away or something?"

"Or something," he muttered. He released the headboard and flipped onto his side, resting his head on my chest. I put my arm around him, twisting his unruly hair around my finger. Aiden smelled good, like cedar and bergamot. I memorized it so that whenever I smelled it, it would bring me back to this time. When he was settled, he started again. "One night he just didn't come home. My mom wasn't even worried. He was gone for a week without word. When I asked her, she just smiled and said that he'd be back."

"Did he come back?" I asked enthusiastically.

"Yeah man, he came home but he was different. He was calm, kissed my mom on the cheek, told her he'd missed her. He walked by me to go into the living room, stopped and ruffled my hair, smiling wide. He was … normal, the way I'd always hoped he'd be, but I knew men like him didn't change. A few days went by and he was still the same. My mom was ecstatic, saying that he'd turned over a new leaf. I wasn't buying into it, though."

"Sounds fishy to me," I said.

"My dad was a kind of handyman, went wherever he could find work, that sort of thing. Before he changed, he would come home with dirt under his nails, stains on his knees, smelling to high heaven. Afterwards, he came home clean like he was when he left in the morning. I knew something wasn't right."

"Let me guess," I interrupted. "Shape shifter."

Aiden lifted his head to look at me. "How'd you know?"

"My dad and I hunted one once."

"Did you see it morph?" he asked with utter curiosity.

"Yeah. It was weird. I was new to hunting and seeing it shocked me."

He had a far off look as he remembered, and continued with his story. "I followed my dad out to his work shed, hid outside in the bushes, and peeked through a window. He was just standing there, in front of his bench, staring straight ahead. Then he rolled his neck like he was stiff, and it happened. It was like he faded from himself into a stranger," Aiden said speaking from memory. "Even his clothes changed."

"And you'd never seen anything … supernatural before that?" I asked.

"No, never, except in movies and shit."

"Yeah, well, it's nothing like that." Sometimes I wished I was watching a movie. Then when it was over, I could walk out of the theater and everything would be ordinary. "So what did you do after that?"

"I went to my mom, told her I thought something was wrong with dad. She ignored me, said I just couldn't accept the fact that he had changed. We got in an argument, and eventually she confessed to her involvement with my dad's 'recovery'. She met someone through some battered women's association or something. They said they could help with some kind of tough love crap. They said it was an intense and aggressive program, but he would come home changed … good … cured. She wasn't going to do it, afraid of the repercussions my dad would put on her if the program didn't work. They convinced her that it would, that she had nothing to worry about, and she finally agreed. They would have to essentially kidnap him and take him to some undisclosed place, strip him of everything and all contact for a week, and when he came out of recovery, he would be healed."

"And that was the week he was gone," I said, repeating the earlier part of his story.

"I thought it was all bullshit. Maybe they had something on him, said they'd have him thrown in jail if he didn't comply or something like that. It was all just too weird. And then I saw the shape shifter, only I didn't know what the hell I'd seen at the time. I started looking into stuff, reading books and whatnot, trying to figure out what was going on, what that thing was, because it wasn't my dad. I even went to the local head shop, and some voodoo place. This guy heard I was asking around and found me, asked me some questions. He said what I'd seen was real, and gave me a book, like an encyclopedia of monsters, in exchange for everything I knew about my mom and dad, and this place she went to. A few weeks later, I met the guy again. He said his name was Riley. He was a hunter, and it was his job to get rid of the shifter. He also told me that my real dad was probably dead the moment they took him." Aiden paused from his story, real pain furrowing his brow as he revisited old memories.

"Hey, you alright?" I asked when he didn't pick up his story again. He turned his head so that his chin was resting on my chest and he was looking me square in the eyes.

"I never told anyone this before, but I was glad my dad was gone. I was glad I had a few weeks to know what it was like to have a caring father. That thing might have been a monster, but he had given me a glimpse of normal, and it was nice." Aiden buried his face in my neck and I held him. I don't think he'd ever dealt with his feelings before, and I didn't know why he was telling me, especially tonight, our first night.

"Hey man, you didn't know, right? You were hoping your dad finally decided to straighten up his act," I said, trying to justify it.

"Yeah, I guess so," he finally said, lifting his head and rolling to his side of the bed.

"What ever happened to the shifter?" I wondered.

"Riley took care of him. The shifter didn't come back, and neither did Riley. My mom thought my dad ran off with some other woman. A couple years later, with no father figure, and my mom checked out, I started getting into trouble. Riley heard about it, came to town to check it out. I don't know if he felt responsible or what. I met with him, and he let me ask him all kinds of questions about what I'd seen and what I'd read in the book. He didn't sugarcoat anything, told me straight up what was going on in the world around us. I was intrigued, especially to know I'd actually lived under the same roof with one of these things. One thing led to another, and Riley took me under his wing, started teaching me everything he knew. When I was fifteen, he took me out on my first hunt. I was hooked, and I've been doing it ever since."

If I knew anything, it was that hunters that paired up and became close usually stayed together. The fact that Aiden wasn't hunting with Riley anymore made me wonder. "What happened to your mentor?" I asked.

Aiden got real quiet. He sat up, legs hanging over the edge of the bed, his back to me. His palms rested on either side of him. I could see his fingers bunching up the sheets. It was still a rough subject apparently. "He's dead," he whispered. "Vamps."

That would explain why Aiden was specialized in hunting vampires, and why he took such pleasure in killing them. It was in the name of revenge. Dad taught me to never let that one emotion run my life. Revenge would give you tunnel vision, blind you to everything else around you. You could go after something because it caused you harm, but you called it retribution and moved on. But get stuck in a cycle, and eventually it would catch up to you. Suddenly I feared for Aiden. So far, I knew him to break two of my dad's rules. Whoever this guy was that got Aiden into hunting might have taught him technique, but he left out how to survive emotionally.

* * *

><p>The year was 1999. The world population exceeded six billion. Impeachment proceedings loomed over President Clinton after he'd been found screwing around with an intern (he should have thought that one through better). Y2K threatened a global technological meltdown when the clocks struck midnight on New Year's Eve. People thought their computers were going to crash and the world would be cast into the dark ages. There was something about the numbers switching from the 1900's to the 2000's that had people freaked out, something that happened every turn of the century. It was a busy time for the hunting business with a lot of leads running cold. Just a bunch of crazies, but the monsters were partying like it was 1999. Did Prince know something the rest of us didn't when he wrote that song?<p>

Aiden and I had been partners for almost a year, on the job and in bed. It was the happiest I'd ever been. Not in a million years would I have thought I'd find someone like Aiden, someone I could share the hunt with, share my private life with. We were good together, but we kept our relationship a secret. We didn't think the other hunters would understand, definitely not my dad or my brother. It was nobody's business anyways. What Aiden and I did on our personal time was between us and no one else.

I think he calmed a lot, from the reckless killing machine he was when we first met. I hoped some of my collectiveness rubbed off on him. He seemed happy, anyways, and we conducted ourselves professionally.

We'd go after anything, of course, but when it was vamps, Aiden got antsy. He became unconcerned about some of the consequences of his actions, and that was a dangerous situation to be in. That's how partners got killed, and I'd be damned it that was going to be me. I had learned how to handle him, though. I'd send him in a direction that I was sure would keep him out of trouble, and when I knew we had a clear shot at a kill, I'd call him into the scene. He never caught onto me, and just as well.

So this one time, we found a bunch of vamps and planned our hunt. Unfortunately, I misjudged the size of the nest. It was much larger than I thought, and when I sent Aiden in, he'd gotten himself surrounded. It was my fault. I should have been more thorough. I found where they were keeping him, helped him escape, and we fought our way out, killing creatures as we went. I had already closed off all their exits, trapping them in their own home. Then we lit the place up, burning them all. It was a close call, much closer than I liked.

We made it to Aiden's car, and I noticed all the blood on his shirt. He was hurting too. It was obvious in his face, no matter how hard he tried to hide it.

"What happened back there?" I said in a serious tone. "You were supposed to stick to the plan."

"And I did until I saw an exit we didn't account for. I was sealing it up when they overpowered me."

"You were supposed to keep going. We could have sealed that up from the outside," I berated. I could tell there was something else going on. "What did you really see, Aiden?"

We got in the car, out of breath, bloody and sweating. I drove because he was in no shape to. The tires screeched as I peeled out of there. Tonight I thought it was best to go a few towns over before we stopped for the night, just in case any straggler vamps weren't at home for the roast.

When he caught his breath, he spoke. "Alright, alright Dean. You got me. I … I saw … her."

"Her who?"

"The vamp that turned Riley, my mentor."

I was confused. "Turned him? I thought you said they killed him."

"I … I didn't want to tell you."

This changed things. For the past year, I thought Riley was dead, and Aiden was killing vamps for revenge. Now I could see the truth. "You're looking for him, aren't you?" I slammed on the brakes and brought the car to a dead stop, the lights washing over the road in front of us. Smoke from the tires and brakes rose like a mist, and the car rumbled as it sat idle. I took a deep breath and clutched the steering wheel. "Did you know this vamp bitch was associated with this nest?" I asked calmly.

Aiden didn't answer me, but I could tell by the shock in his eyes that he was only trying to put off the inevitable. "Aiden, did you or didn't you–"

"Yes," he answered, and then he shook his head. "No," he said, changing his answer. "I don't know. Look, this wasn't just another nest. This was the one that Riley controlled. I don't what she was doing there, unless she took back control."

"And you didn't tell me? Why? You could have told me the real story, and I would have helped you. How do you know all of this anyways?"

"I've been following them, putting out the word, interrogating some of the vamps we've come across."

"Geez, Aiden, what the fuck have you gotten us into?" I rubbed my hand through my hair, then glanced over to him. "Any of that blood yours?"

"No, I'm alright. My ribs are sore, but no bites, if that's what you're worried about."

I sat there another minute or so, trying to recollect myself. Then I put the car in drive and we were moving again. "Come on, let's get cleaned up."

* * *

><p>I drove an hour before I stopped at a motel. I had a feeling this wasn't over with, and I was uneasy. As I entered the lobby, I looked around to make sure it looked clear, and walked up to the guy behind the counter. "I need a room."<p>

The man looked like he was in his mid-forties, long hair, beard, beer belly protruding from a faded Led Zeppelin t-shirt. He looked past me to our car parked in the breezeway. I followed his line of sight. All I could see was Aiden's head leaning back against the headrest, no bloody shirt thank goodness. Then the guy turned his attention back to me, one brow raised skeptically. "Twins or a double?"

"Twins," I said irritated.

"Yeah right, twins," he repeated. He took the credit card I gave him and laid it in the tray of an old manual credit card machine. Then he put one of those long carbon papers on it, and slid the mechanism right and then back left. He handed me the paper to sign, and then took a key from the pegboard behind him. He gave me back my credit card, looking at the name on it as he did. Then he pushed the key, with its plastic diamond shaped keychain, towards me. "Here you go Mr. Osbourne," he said while eyeing me. This guy had been in this business long enough to know an alias when he saw it. He also knew to mind his own business.

We drove around to the spot where our room was, parked and went inside. I opened the door and noticed that the bed was a double. "Douchebag," I muttered under my breath.

"Mind if I get the shower first?" Aiden asked. He sounded tired, defeated after the day we'd had.

"No, go ahead." As he walked past me, I touched his arm. He stopped, but he didn't turn to me. "It's gonna be ok," I whispered, and ran my fingers through his hair. He barely smiled and nodded, and then went to the bathroom, leaving the door cracked open. I waited until I heard the water turn on and the shower curtain close, and got on the phone with Bobby. He was the go to guy in the business, and he was like an uncle to me. He was taking care of Sam while dad and I were out working. As far as I was concerned, Bobby was family.

"Hey, Bobby," I said with a smile in my voice.

"Hey kid," he said happily. "How's it goin' out there?"

"You know … it's goin'." I paused. "How's Sammy?"

"He's good, Dean. Missing his big brother, but he's ok," he said solemnly. With the personal stuff out of the way, his voice turned more business-like. "So, where are you?"

I didn't even know the name of the town we were in, only where we had come from, but I had a rough idea. "Some small town just south of Des Moines."

"Oh," he said surprised. "You're not far from your dad then. He's on the North side of the city. So what can I do you for?"

"What do you know about a hunter named Riley?"

"Got a last name? It would help. There's more than one Riley."

I shook my head. "No. All I know is that he was in California in the early 90's."

"Let me think," Bobby said. The phone went silent except for the sound of papers flipping. "No one named Riley, but there was a guy named Byron Fischer who had a son named Riley. Does that help you any?"

"Maybe," I said, the wheels spinning in my overactive brain. "Know anything about them?"

"Well, let's see. Byron was a hunter. Taught his kid the business at an early age, kind of like you and your dad. They worked the west coast … good people. Then one day, Byron got sick, went to the doctor and found out he had lung cancer. Died about six months later," Bobby explained.

"What happened to his kid?" I wondered.

"From what I've heard, he tracked down his mom. She wasn't around while he was growing up … heroin addict. I think he hoped she would be recovered and take him in, but nothing had changed. After that, no one heard from Riley for a while. Then one day, he popped back onto the radar. If he'd been hunting during that time, no one knew it. Guess he was flying solo. He wasn't one to ask for help, kind of an outcast. Eventually he dropped off the map altogether. No one's seen him since."

I thought about what Aiden had told me, that some she-vamp turned him. I knew there had to be more to the story, and I was going to find out. "Thanks, Bobby. Hey, I gotta go. Tell Sammy I said hi. I'll stop in for a visit as soon as I can."

"Will do. And Dean … be careful out there," he said sincerely.

"I will, Bobby." I hung up the phone just as I heard the shower turn off. Suspicions ran rampant through my mind. Aiden had kept a lot of his story a secret. Now we were together, and I felt it was in my best interest to know what all had happened between him and Riley. I was a part of it now, and I didn't think Aiden was focused on vampires just because he was good at hunting them. He was hunting Riley.

Aiden came out of the bathroom wearing his pants and no shirt, moisture still clinging to his skin. He went to his bag and pulled out a shirt, struggling to pull it over his damp skin. I went to him and helped him. He smiled and laughed lightly. Our eyes met, and I thought of how gorgeous he was, but how much pain must reside within him. He leaned in to me, kissing me quickly, a smile touching his eyes.

"I'm gonna run out … get some chow and some beer."

"Sounds good," I agreed. He seemed a little too steady and put together for someone who just wrestled with the monster that turned his former partner. But now wasn't the time. I was still dirty, and I needed to clear my head, figure out what I was going to say. He went to the door, and when he turned back, I tossed him the room key. That's just how we were together, always in sync. "Sure, you're alright?"

"Yeah, the shower helped. I just need a little fresh air. I'll be back in a minute. I saw a burger joint around the corner." Aiden left, and I jumped in the shower.

The warm water felt good. I just stood there and let it cover my body, washing away the dirt and grime. Another job done, but I had a bad feeling about that nest. There were a lot of vamps in there, and Aiden had found that escape route. What's to say there weren't others we didn't know about? I thought we burned a good number of them, but the smarter ones probably escaped. I could almost guarantee that their leader got out. Aiden wouldn't have been satisfied to know she might or might not have been inside the building when it burned. If she was the vamp that turned Riley, he would want to make sure she was dead. He would have burned her himself.

And what about Riley? The way Aiden told the story, I thought he was an older man, kind of a father figure. I never thought he might be around our age or a few years older. I couldn't be one hundred percent sure yet. I only had a first name, and I was going on a hunch. But Bobby did say that there were no hunters named Riley in California, except for this guy's son. It was something, though, and when I talked to Aiden about it, at least I'd have something to compare his story to.

I spent a while in the shower, and time got away from me. As I shut off the water, I heard the door close and lock. Aiden was back. I dried off real quick, wrapped the towel around my waist and stepped out of the bathroom. Aiden was sitting in a chair next to a table, a sack of burgers and a six pack waiting. He was taking a long swig of his beer when he caught sight of me, and slowly took the bottle away from his lips. I saw him swallow hard, his eyes glued to my body. He set the beer down and came to me, hands roaming along my chest, over my shoulders and around my neck. We kissed and it was good. After a year together, we still turned each other on. That had to account for something. Aiden and I were good together … we always were.

One of his hands slipped low, palming me through the towel. My hips pushed forward, filling his hand. The towel fell to the floor, and Aiden fell to his knees. He took me in his mouth, and I gave in to his ministrations. I knew what he was up to. He was just trying to avoid the inevitable. We needed to talk and he knew it, but who was I to argue while in his possession. He worked me up until I couldn't hold off anymore and I shot myself in his mouth. And when it was over, he rested his face against my stomach, his arms surrounding my hips and held me tight. My fingers slipped through his blond waves, and we just stayed like that for a while. Finally, he released me and looked up into my face.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I'm sorry I haven't been completely honest with you. I've only told you part of the story, and I was wrong to keep you in the dark. You've been so good to me. I don't want to lose you."

I cupped the side of his face with my palm, feeling the bristle of whiskers sprouting on his cheek. He didn't shave earlier, and he knew I liked that. "I'm not going anywhere, Aiden. We have a lot invested in this relationship. I want to help you. I want to be there when you need me. But I need to know the truth. I need to know what's been going on." I pulled him to his feet, kissed him again and threw on a pair of sweats. Aiden grabbed the beer, and we sat on the bed, the food left abandoned for now. Neither one of us had much of an appetite at the moment. We sat cross-legged, facing one another, but he wouldn't look at me as he started his story.

"Everything I told you about him was true. He was a hunter, helped me with the shifter, took me in under his wing and all that. Riley was a couple years older than me, and I was only twelve when I first met him. When we met again later on I was sixteen and just learning about myself. I told you I was picked on in school because I was shy. I was shy because I didn't understand some of the feelings I was beginning to have, like getting a hard on when I saw a cute guy in a magazine. By the time I met Riley again, I was ready to explore my sexuality, and he was a good teacher. Riley was my first."

I knew there was something more, but I never thought it went this deep. "You never forget your first." I would never forget mine. Tommy Jordan … boy's locker room, after school … tenth grade.

"He was my first in a lot of things. He taught me more about myself than I could imagine. I dropped out of high school to be with him, to learn to hunt, to learn … other things." Aiden took a long deep drink and shook his head. "You probably don't want to hear this."

I reached out and touched his knee. "No, I do. I want to know."

"I … I fell in love with him. There was no help for it. He was suddenly my whole world. But he had a secret I didn't know about. He would never discuss his past or where he came from. He just acted like he'd been on his own since the day he was born, like he didn't need anyone. And sometimes I felt like he didn't really need me either, especially in the beginning. I was a bumbling fool. But Riley worked me into the business anyways.

I'd been hunting not even a year when he came upon a nest of vamps. I never went up against a vamp before, and I told him I wasn't ready, but Riley insisted. He came up with a plan, went over it several times with me, and at the last second I chickened out. Riley was pissed. He got real angry, started throwing things. I got scared of him; he'd never made me feel that way before. I begged him to let someone else take the job. He finally realized how frightened I was, and when I told him he reminded me of my dad, he broke down. That's when he told me his story."

It turned out my hunch was right. This was the same Riley that Bobby had mentioned. Aiden said he'd been raised by his dad, and that he died of cancer. But where Bobby's story ended, Aiden continued. Turns out Riley did go looking for his druggie mom, and found her in a squatter's house. She had marks on her neck that, at first, he thought were injection sites. He tried to get her out of there to help get her clean, but a couple big guys showed up, told him that she belonged to them. Riley figured out quickly that they were vamps, and they were using his mom as a personal donor. The vamps would make sure she stayed high, feed off her, and feel the effects of the heroin. They were vamp junkies using Riley's mom as the middleman.

He fought them, tried to drag her out, and then the boss showed. Riley's mom wouldn't leave. She said she needed them. They took care of her. In a last ditch attempt to free her, the vamp that turned her gave her his own blood. All she had to do was feed, and Riley was the prey. But at the last moment, she couldn't do that to her son, and she fed on one of the other slaves, and became a full-fledged vamp. Later on, Riley found out that she had dethroned the boss and took over the colony. Knowing her son was a hunter, she gathered her family and they fled.

"And ever since, Riley was looking for her. He said the fact that she didn't kill him meant that there was still good in her, and he was determined to find her and figure out how to help her. The nest he found, the one I refused to work, turned out to be his mother's colony," Aiden said. "Then, I knew I had to overcome my fear and do what needed to be done. I was the only one who Sean trusted to help him capture his mom. A few days later, we went ahead with our plan. We failed miserably."

"Is that when she turned him?" I asked.

"Not at first. She captured him and used him as she'd been used … for food. I lost him after that. I was too young and inexperienced to go after him on my own. There was nothing I could do. I just let him go. It wasn't until later that I learned he'd been turned. The vamp I interrogated told me Riley left his mom's colony and started his own."

"God, Aiden, I'm so sorry," I said regretfully. What a shitty way to lose someone. I started getting pissed at this Riley guy. After all, he was the reason Aiden was a hunter. He didn't have to come back, but he did, and he took Aiden with him, not unlike what Riley's mother did. "He should never have dragged you into this life, you know that?" I complained, unable to contain my anger any longer. "You had a home. You had family. You could have moved on after all the weird shit. It would have become some horror story, and that's all. But he came back, and he fed off your fear and your curiosity, and seduced you into this unnatural way of life."

"But if he hadn't done that, I would never have met you," he admitted, taking my hand and rubbing his thumb across the back.

"That's not the point," I started, still angry.

"I'm trying to tell you that you're the best thing that's happened to me, Dean Winchester." He looked me deep in the eyes, and I knew he was telling the truth. "I want to make a real go of this."

"We've been together almost a year. I'd say that's making a go of it."

"Yeah, but it hasn't really been all us, you know? It's been a lot of the job."

I understood what he meant. The job took a lot of our time, even though we were together. There were times when we were just surviving, and not really a couple in the normal sense. "So what are you saying, Aiden? You want to get out? You want a shot at normal? Because I have to tell you … that's something I don't think I can do."

"And why not?" he asked enthusiastically. "What would you rather do, Dean, be a good little hunter and follow in your dad's footsteps or settle down and be the big brother you know you've always wished you could be."

That stung. Aiden knew my weakness, and it was family. "That's not fair and you know it."

"It's the truth. I know you. I've heard you on the phone with your kid brother. I hear the longing to be something more to him than just a phone call. Besides, your dad is the best in the business. He'll keep up that part of things," Aiden argued his point.

"What about you? You've been on Riley's trail ever since I've met you, and don't say otherwise. It all makes sense now. You've been tracking vamps just so you can find him. So are you saying you can just forget about all of this and suddenly move on?"

"I don't know. Something happened today, back in that nest. I thought I had found him. I thought I was ready to take him on, thought I was strong enough to do it. I had no idea I'd find his mother instead. I wasn't prepared for that. But seeing her finally put things in perspective, and I thought maybe he wanted this. Maybe he wanted to become a vamp. Maybe this was the only way he could finally connect with his mom, as screwed up as it all was. So, who am I to take that away?"

"Listen, Aiden, I know you have a past with him, but he's not the guy you used to know. That person is dead, and all that's left is the evil. You're right to want to put him out of his misery. As long as he's alive, people will die."

"I know, and for a long time, finding him was the most important thing to me. Maybe your right, Dean. I was shoved into this hunting thing. So I saw something that I couldn't explain, and I learned things that I never thought possible. But this business has never been in my blood. I thought that it might not be in yours either. This time we've spent together has changed me. It's made me want more out of life, and I want it to be with you."

What could I say to that? How should I respond? I liked Aiden … a lot. I wouldn't have been with him all this time if I didn't, but what he was asking me to do . . .

"I … I don't think I can give it up," I admitted truthfully. "I feel like I'm making a difference, like there is something more I need to accomplish. And no matter what you might think, you're an awesome hunter. You've even taught me a thing or two. We make a great team. We're good together, Aiden.

Aiden looked up at me through his long lashes, and gave me one of his sexy half smiles. "We are amazing, aren't we?"

I got onto my knees and moved to him. "We can do this." I unbuttoned the first few buttons of his shirt. "We can hunt and fuck, and make the best life we can afford." I ran my lips along his neck. "Let's forget about this place, move on far from here. We'll get the hell out of Iowa. Maybe we'll try Kansas or Indiana for a while, start fresh."

"You drive a hard bargain, Dean Winchester," he said, tilting his head to the side as I continued kissing him.

"I think you need more convincing," I whispered, pushing his shirt off, and working on his belt next. He laid back on the bed and let me undress him. Then I stretched out on top of him, my sweats the only thing separating us. We kissed and writhed against each other. Aiden's hands dipped into my pants, squeezing my ass and pulling me against him. Then he stopped and looked at me hard.

"So, after everything I told you, after keeping you in the dark all this time, you're ready to move on?" he asked.

"I'm ready to move on with you." I kissed him again, long and sensually, and when we parted, our eyes met. "I think I love you, Aiden Somers."

That night we made love several times, slow and passionately. I fell asleep, sore and sated, with Aiden spooned against my back, contoured to my body, and his arm draped languorously across my waist. I listened to his breathing slow as he relaxed against me.

"You're something special, Dean," he murmured into my ear as the late hour dragged me into insentience, the smile not fading from my face.


	2. Chapter 2 Disintegration

**Chapter 2 – Disintegration**

Sun knifed through the window, striking my face and waking me. Something wasn't right. Half of the bed was cold, like no one had been there for a while. I sat straight up, sleep leaving me instantly, and looked around the room. Empty beer bottles were scattered around, an uneaten bag of burgers on the table, my duffle bag on the floor next to the dresser where I put it yesterday, but no Aiden … and his stuff was gone too. I flew out of bed, naked, and rushed to the window, pushing the curtains back. Sun blinded me, and I squinted against the harassing light. His car was gone … he was gone … nothing.

Panic set in. My skin prickled. Where was he? My eyes scanned the room again, defiant to believe that he was actually gone. That's when I spotted a folded piece of paper on the nightstand. My heart was dropping as I approached it. I picked it up and sat on the edge of the bed, held it between my fingers for what felt like forever, and finally opened it. I had to force myself to open my eyes.

_Dean,_

_I'm so sorry to do this to you. I know you said you can put it all behind and move on, but I can't do that so easily. There are loose ends that need tying up. I have to put things to rest first, and you know what that is. I want a shot at normal. I want to be with you, to love you back, and I can't give myself to you fully unless I deal with my past first. I hope you understand why, and that you'll forgive me._

_Hopefully still yours,_

_Aiden_

I just sat there, numb from head to toe, filling with anger towards him, towards myself, this fucked up life we lived. That anger came bursting forth when I knocked everything on the nightstand to the floor. The lampshade ripped, the bulb broke, the digital clock started blinking 12:00. A beer bottle spilled its half drunken contents onto the rug as it rolled beneath the bed.

"Damn it, Aiden!" I yelled.

He'd gone after Riley, and left me with no way to follow him, but if he thought that would stop me, he didn't know me so well. I gathered my stuff, making sure I had everything I needed for a vamp hunt. Looking in my bag, I pulled out a syringe full of blood, and I shook my head.

"Aiden, you stupid bastard," I complained to no one.

It was dead man's blood, and we each had one, but I knew for a fact that Aiden had used his a few jobs back. We never got the chance to replenish his, and I was hoping he'd remembered and took mine. Now it was imperative that I find him. There were ways to kill a vampire, but the only fool proof way was to inject him with the blood of a dead person, and Aiden had none. This was a dangerous situation. He wasn't just going after any vamp. This was personal, and I feared that his emotions would get the best of him.

* * *

><p>I hotwired a car and took off from the motel. I had a good idea of where Aiden had gone, and when I got there, I found his car parked a little ways from the place. It was an old abandoned brick building, probably a mill or factory of some sort. The telltale signs were there that suggested this was a nest, mainly the blacked out windows. It was daytime, no doubt they'd be sleeping. I went around the building and found an unlocked door in the back. As I silently made my way through the place, I noticed that this didn't look like the typical nest. It was too empty, not enough evidence of multiple people living here. If it wasn't for Aiden's car outside, I would have thought I had the wrong place. There were long racks with big wooden spools on them, strange looking rusted machines with rods and wheels. I came across some kind of machine shop, where they probably fixed the equipment, and found an invoice … Watson Silks. There was an old calendar hanging on the wall, curtesy of S.P. Hughes Insurance Company. The year, 1968. Someone didn't continue their coverage, I thought to myself.<p>

I heard movement across the way and ducked down under the bench. When I thought the coast was clear, I went in the direction of the disturbance until I heard distant voices speaking to each other. One I recognized right away as Aiden's. The other, I wasn't sure, until I got close enough to hear what they were saying.

"Why did you leave me, Aiden? Why didn't you come back for me?" said the unfamiliar voice. Riley's voice.

"I got scared. You knew I'd never been on a vamp hunt before. And then they grabbed you, and I knew I had to get away if there was any chance of getting you back," Aiden pleaded.

"But you never came, and she used me," Riley said in a venomous tone. "It was horrible being fed off of like livestock. I waited as long as I could for you to come back, but when you didn't show, I just wanted to die. Mother would never let that happen though. She said she loved me too much to see me dead, so she turned me into the undead."

I peeked around the edge of one of the machines, and found Aiden and Riley sitting on the floor, side by side as they talked. I wasn't sure what Aiden was up to, but I knew I couldn't do anything at the moment, so I listened and waited. The opportunity would show itself eventually, and I would be ready.

"I've been searching for you ever since," Aiden admitted. "I've been hunting vamps and interrogating some of them. That's how I found out about your colony. I was tracking you when I came across the nest at the old steel plant. I thought it was you, and instead I found your mother."

"Yes, I heard. The place burned down, most of the colony destroyed along with it." Riley paused. "She got away though, did you know that?"

"No, but my partner thought that might be the case," Aiden answered, and I couldn't help notice that he called me a partner, nothing to suggest otherwise.

"Dean Winchester," Riley said, and I gasped.

"But how did you–?"

"I have been watching out for you, Aiden. I knew you were following me. That's why I always tried to stay a step or two ahead of you. That's why I allowed my mother to take my colony away from me. And that's why I'm alone now."

"I still found you though," Aiden said.

"And what will you do to me now, sever my head?" Riley said without any enthusiasm. Perhaps he wanted to die.

"The truth? I thought I owed you that much. I couldn't save you from your mother. I couldn't keep you from being turned. So I thought, the least I could do was give you peace."

"And why haven't you, then?" Riley asked. "Come on, Aiden. I'm alone. I've lost my colony. I'm an easy target, yet here you sit, talking to me as though I'm still human."

"If I didn't think there was anything human left within you, I would have killed you hours ago. But the fact that we are still talking proves my intuition. There's still good left in you, that part of you I fell in love with. It's still there. Let me help you, Riley. Maybe there's a cure or something."

"It's too late for me. My only chance at being saved passed as soon as I fed from my first victim."

"Come with me, and we'll figure this out together," Aiden begged. "It doesn't have to be human blood."

"I've tried animals, and though it sustains me, it's nothing in comparison to humans."

"Then I'll rob blood banks, or sneak into hospitals. I don't know. I'll figure something out."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. All this time, I thought Aiden and I had something real, and I find out that he never stopped loving Riley. I should have known. I should have figured it out sooner, but I was still learning. I opened up and told him that I loved him, but it never would have mattered. Aiden's heart belonged to Riley, and it didn't matter who he was or what he had become. I never stood a chance in his eyes, and my heart was breaking.

"Aiden, you have to go. You have to leave and never look for me again. Just let me be, please," Riley said.

"But I love you."

"You love someone I used to be. I'm not that person anymore. You know as well as I that we can never have what we once had. It will never work now. I'm a monster. You're a hunter. Forget about me, Aiden."

"I just found you, and now I have to let you go again." Aiden suddenly took Riley into his arms and hugged him, sobbing against his shoulder. I had a clear view of Riley's face from my hiding spot. He looked hurt and sad. I even started feeling bad for the guy. He held Aiden against him, eyes closed, rubbing his back, comforting him, whispering something that I couldn't hear, something I didn't want to hear. A part of me wished Aiden loved me like that. And even as I had these thoughts, I was already planning how I would kill Riley. After all, he was right. He was a monster, and that would never change. It had to be done, and if Aiden couldn't do it . . .

Suddenly, Riley's eyes opened, and they were dark with the bloodlust. He'd been too close to Aiden for too long. They'd been in that position for longer than normal. Aiden, who I thought was sobbing, taking heaving breaths, was actually struggling against the other. Shit, Riley was feeding. Shit, shit, shit!

I pulled my knife and jumped out from behind the machine. Riley, taken by surprise, pushed Aiden to the floor and leapt up with cat-like grace. Blood dribbled from the corner of his mouth as he hissed at me. I wasn't thinking clearly, and acted out irrationally as I charged Riley. I swung my knife at his neck, but I missed. He was too fast, especially having just fed. All his energy was restored, and when he came at me, he pushed me and I went flying across the room. The knife came out of my hand, and disappeared beneath one of the spool racks. I hit my head and was seeing stars as Riley stomped towards me. He picked me up off the floor and threw me. An old wooden table broke and I crashed to the ground. As I laid there, I spied a screwdriver with a long shaft and grabbed it. Riley was above me again, but this time when he picked me up, I shoved the screwdriver into his chest. I knew it wouldn't kill him, but it would slow him down, and possibly give me enough time to find my knife. I could see its shiny blade beneath the rack, and dashed off towards it. I shoved my arm into the dark space and it was just barely in my reach. My fingertips brushed the handle, so I stretched until I thought my shoulder would pop out of joint. Finally, I had it, and just in time. Riley had pulled the tool from his chest and was coming at me again. I jumped to my feet and held my knife in an attack position, when I suddenly felt something heavy hit the back of my head, and everything faded to black.

* * *

><p>I woke up some time later, my head pounding, sitting on the floor, my hands behind my back where I found that I was tied to a metal beam. Everything was a blur at first. When my eyes adjusted, I saw Riley standing next to Aiden, rolling down his shirtsleeve, and caught a glimpse of a knife mark on his arm. Aiden smiled at him, and there was blood on his lips. I felt bile rise and forced it back down. Aiden had taken Riley's blood. He was on his way to becoming a vampire. All he had to do was feed when the hunger struck him, and I knew it wouldn't be long.<p>

"And now we can always be together?" Aiden asked him.

"For eternity," Riley said, kissing him.

"Aiden," I called. "What have you done?"

"Ah, he's awake," Riley said, strolling over towards me. He kicked me in the side and I doubled over. Then he crouched down so we were at eye level. "Thought you'd kill me?" he said, flashing my knife around.

"I'm not done yet," I seethed, and he laughed.

"It's going to be difficult with your hands tied behind your back. Actually, there's a reason why you're still alive. You can thank Aiden for that."

I turned my attention back to Aiden, and looked at him pleadingly. "Don't do this. Aiden, after everything we've been through . . ."

"I tried, Dean. I really tried, and I meant what I told you. But when I found Riley … well … all those feelings I had buried came flooding back to me, and I realized that I could never stop loving him. I'm so sorry."

"Then let me go," I said, connecting with him. I could see traces of the man I thought I was falling in love with. He wasn't turned yet. There was still a chance.

"It's too late, Dean," Aiden said.

"Yes, you're too late," Riley smiled. "He's mine. As a matter of fact, he's always been mine, no matter what you thought you had."

"Riley, don't," Aiden interrupted, but it went unnoticed.

"No, he needs to know what we meant to each other, and what we mean to each other now. He's not one of us, Aiden. He's weak. He's mortal."

"I'm not like you either," Aiden argued.

Riley faced him, his fingers grasping Aiden's chin. "You're not like me, yet, but you will be soon." He got up and went away for a moment, giving me a chance to talk to Aiden alone.

"This isn't the answer," I told him. "You know it. Deep down you know this is wrong. Do you really want to become like him? I thought you wanted normal."

"I do want it, Dean. I asked you for it. I begged you, but you turned me down."

"Neither one of us is good for you," I said calmingly. "Neither one of us is normal, but at least I'm human. Riley is a monster. He's leading you down a path you can't come back from."

"It's already too late."

"No, not yet. You haven't fed yet. Listen, I think there might be help for you. I'm not sure, but my dad would know. And if he doesn't know, he can find out." I'd heard rumors of a cure for vampirism but I'd never actually seen it. "You have to help me get out of here first, and I promise I'll fix you."

He was really considering it. I could see it in his eyes as they darted around the room. Meanwhile, I noticed that the beam I was tied to had square edges, and I started rubbing the rope against it. It was slow going though, and I didn't think I had much time left. Then I noticed Aiden's eyes change. They were red, as though blood was leaking from his pupils. He covered his ears with his hands, and looked like he was in pain. It was starting. Before too long, fangs would sprout down from his gums. All of his senses would be heightened to an unbearable degree. And the last part would be the hunger.

"What's happening to me?" Aiden cried.

"It's the change. It's happening already, but you have to resist it." I kept rubbing the rope vigorously. I had to get free and get Aiden away from here. And I had to kill Riley. I scanned the room and saw a flash of silver on the workbench across the way. My knife, I needed to get to it first. Fortunately, Riley was stupid enough not to look through the inner pockets of my jacket. I still had the syringe of blood hidden away. A plan formed in my head. I knew what I was going to do. "Help me get free, Aiden, please. I'll tell you what. Help me get out of these binds, and I'll get you out of here. We'll find a cure and we'll get out of the hunting business." That got his attention, and Aiden focused long enough to hear what I had to say.

"But you said–"

"I know what I said, but I've had time to think about it. We'll leave. We'll go somewhere far from all of this, get regular jobs, get an apartment, save up, maybe buy a house in the suburbs. We'll make a real go of it. We'll be normal. We'll be so fucking normal that everyone will think we are the most boring couple they've ever met."

Aiden had tears in his eyes and laughed a little at my comment. "You won't be happy like that."

"I will. I'll be happy because I'll have you. I'm in love with you Aiden Somers."

He nodded in agreement, convinced by my lies. Only one thing I told him was the truth. I really did love him. Aiden looked around and found a piece of broken glass. He was struggling with his heightened senses, his face showing the agony he was in, but he still managed to help me. He knelt down behind me, and started cutting the thick rope with the glass, but his movements slowed. I couldn't see what he was doing, but I didn't like the feeling I was getting. "You're doing good, Aiden," I encouraged, but I felt him stop, and his breath fell upon my neck.

"I can hear it," he whispered, lost in his senses. "I can hear the blood pulsing through your veins. I can almost smell it."

"Aiden, listen to me very carefully. You must resist any temptations. It's going to be difficult, but if you want that shot at normal, you have to control your urges," I demanded.

"I … don't know … if … I can," he said, struggling with himself. Then I heard the glass clink on the floor, and Aiden was running away from me.

The first thing I did was stretch my fingers, feeling around for the glass. Luckily it was within reach. I picked it up and continued cutting. The rope felt like it was more than half way severed. Aiden was cowering in a corner, doubled over, the pain became too much. Soon he would be overcome by the hunger. Instinct would tell him that he needed to feed and end the suffering … and I would be his first meal.

Just then, I heard the creaking of a metal door open and close, a muffled cry of a woman, and Riley telling her to shut up and cooperate. He came into view with his victim, some poor bystander that he'd snatched up off the street. The woman was dirty, and her hair was mangled. She was a homeless woman, and more than likely, her disappearance would go unnoticed. Riley was being discreet with how he picked his victims, but she was still a human being, no matter what her situation was. Knowing that son of a bitch, he probably thought he was doing the world and her a favor. He threw her to the floor, and I noticed that her hands were bound behind her back, a piece of duct tape across her mouth. She looked frantically around the room and saw me, panic in her eyes. I watched Riley as he went to Aiden and helped him up. He smiled in the most loving way. Perhaps he really did still harbor feelings for Aiden, but he was twisted and evil, and he was pulling Aiden down into the muck along with him.

"Aiden," he whispered, cupping the younger man's face. "Look at you. You are so beautiful in this form."

"It hurts, Riley," Aiden cried.

"I know, but it's almost over, and then you'll feel incredible. You just need to feed, darling, and I've got your first meal right here." I thought he was going to show Aiden the woman, but he pointed to me instead.

"No," Aiden shook his head. "I … I can't."

"Oh, but you will when the urge strikes you. This one," he said, pointing to the woman, "is for me. I didn't want you to have to dine alone, not for your first time." Riley walked up to me, towering above, looking down. "And besides, you will have the better meal. There's nothing like youthful, vibrant blood."

"Think again your bloodsucking asshole," I murmured, and pulled on my binds. The rope snapped apart and I kicked my leg out, knocking Riley to the floor. While he was down, I jumped up and ran to the bench where I'd see my knife. I was almost there when I felt Riley grab me and throw me across the room. I landed on a stack of barrels, and struggled to get back up. Looking quickly around the room, I saw that Aiden was gone. I didn't trust him to stay out of this fight. Last time I wrestled with Riley, Aiden knocked me out, but I didn't see him anywhere.

"It hurts, Dean. It hurts so bad," I heard him cry out, but I didn't see him.

"Aiden!" I yelled. "Get out of here! Get in your car and just go! I'll find you!"

"You're not going anywhere," Riley seethed, finally getting to me, but I had gotten to my feet. I threw a fist and punched him in the jaw. He reeled backwards, but it didn't do anything to hurt him. It just bought me enough time to put a slight amount of distance between us. I eyed the workbench, and lined myself up, because I knew Riley would throw me again. I just needed him to throw me in the right direction. It worked, but it cost me, as he punched me in the eye. Then he threw me and I landed close to my target. Jackpot! While he was coming towards me, I lunged for my knife, and as I spun around to meet my opponent, I swung with all my might. At first, I thought I'd missed. Riley just stood there with a blank expression on his face. And then, in slow motion, his head tilted to the side and tumbled from his body, which then collapsed to the floor. Riley was dead.

It all happened so fast, I didn't realize that I had been hit with a spray of blood until I wiped my hand across my face, thinking it was sweat. It was warm, but it was sticky, and when I looked at my hand, I saw red. Next, I remembered to breathe, and inhaled deep. It felt like forever before the ringing in my ears stopped and time returned to its usual pace. Aiden, my mind screamed, and I ran back to the center of the room. I searched wildly for Aiden, and realized the woman was gone too. Relief washed over me quickly, as I figured Aiden did as I said, but he took to woman to safety too. I started for the door. I was almost there. I would open it and find Aiden with the woman. We'd get in his car and get out of there, take the woman to a shelter, tell her never to mention any of this to anyone. Then we would find that cure. It all played out in my head as I approached that door, but movement caught my eye, and made me look to the side. My vision of our future slipped away, and like the bridge that collapsed, it started … the first crack in the concrete, the first rusty bolt.

He was hunched over her twitching body, the sound of sucking and slurping unmistakable. His back was to me, but it didn't matter. I knew what he'd done and I was too late. The pain became too much. No one was there to tell him to ignore it. He gave into his hunger. Aiden was a vampire.

The knife slipped from my hand and made a metal clang on the concrete floor of the silk mill. Not but five feet from where I stood was the outside world, freedom. But to my right was my next job. I bowed my head in defeat. "Oh Aiden, what have you done?"

"Dean," he whispered. "I couldn't stop. I couldn't hold off anymore. The pain, it was like a million daggers stabbing my stomach. But now … oh Dean." He stood straight and tall, turning to me, slowly walking towards me, and I carefully reached into my jacket pocket. "Now I feel so strong. It's amazing. Sound, smell, taste … sight … if you only knew what this felt like."

I didn't want to fight him. The last thing I wanted was to have to fight him, because I feared that I would let him win. No, I had to do this discreetly without his knowledge. "Explain it to me," I told him.

He continued to close in on me. "Like you, for example. I smell you perfectly, your sweat, your blood, even the cheap motel soap you used. I still smell us, from last night." He paused and smiled. "You were magnificent. You always are, but imagine how it must feel now."

"But I don't know. I'm not like you," I said in a monotone voice.

"I can fix that. I can make you like me, and together we will be untouchable, invincible, dauntless. We don't have to be boring or normal. We can just be free of everything," he said enthusiastically.

I forced a smile, but I felt tears welling up in the corners of my eyes. "It sounds wonderful, Aiden."

"Oh, but it is. Just wait and see. It only hurts for a little while, but I'll be there for you," he said, closing the distance. Then he saw the blood, and furrowed his brow. "Are you hurt?" he asked. It was so strange how he had forgotten all about Riley. He never even asked me about him, which I feared he would. If he knew I decapitated him, he might get angry and try to kill me. But Riley seemed to have slipped from Aiden's mind.

"Come closer," I said. "Kiss me once more before we do this."

Aiden took me in his arms, and looked deep into my eyes. I did everything in my power to hide the pain. I focused on my love for him, and it was enough to make him smile. "I'm sorry, Dean," he said, catching me off guard.

"For what?" I kept the suspicion out of my voice, just in case he knew what I was up to.

"Last night, back at the motel, you told me you loved me, but I never gave you a reply. I was still unsure then."

"Aiden, you don't have to–"

"No, I do. I was confused, and when I found Riley, I thought I was seeing clearly, but it wasn't until now that I know what my heart wants. Dean … I love you too. I really do." He covered my lips with his, and for that solitary moment, he was the Aiden I loved. I wished we could never leave that time capsule. And as I thought of how handsome he was, how brave and funny he was, my hand slipped out of my jacket and around the back of his neck.

"I love you too, Aiden," I said, and the tears fell down my face as the needle slid into his vein. I slowly pressed the plunger down, and felt my lover weaken. He never knew what I'd done, because he was so wrapped up in his love for me. We slid to the floor, five feet from the door, from freedom that Aiden would never know. I held him to me and kissed the top of his head, and told him several more times of my love for him.

It was a lethal dose, meant to kill quickly, but it was never meant for Aiden. The only alternative would have been my knife, and I knew the moment I saw him leaning over that poor woman's body that I'd never find the internal strength to kill him in that fashion. Aiden deserved a peaceful death, and the thought made me sob aloud as his body started convulsing. The blood I injected was like poison to his system. Everything would begin shutting down, and then he'd be gone.

What Aiden deserved was a normal life, but he never had one, did he? His father abused him when he was young, hit him, beat him until he couldn't walk. That was bad enough, but then he had to go and witness the supernatural. If not for that, he never would have met Riley, who used him by seducing him into the hunting business. And then Aiden and I met, and I'm not innocent either. It was now that I realized I used him to keep from feeling lonely. Yes, he was a great hunter, but like he admitted to me, his heart was never in it. He was just a killing machine, hunting vampires, looking to tie up loose ends in order to move on and live his life normally. I could have helped him do that, but for the fact that hunting _was_ in my blood. I could never have given him normal except to set him free, but I was afraid to be alone. I thought I could do it on my own. I thought I didn't need my dad, or my little brother. I was wrong, and I used Aiden to fill that void. So it wasn't a peaceful death that Aiden deserved. He didn't deserve death at all. It was the rest of us who pushed and pulled and sent him down his path. It was never his choice. His choice had always been to be normal, from the time he was a young child until now, and no one, not even me, could give that to him.

I heard the last breath slowly leave his body. It was the only way to know he was truly gone. His heart stopped beating the moment he fed on that woman. Tonight, Aiden Somers died twice, once for the monster, and once for the hunter. We were all to blame, and I was the last one to carry that burden.

I held his lifeless body in my lap, and cried shamelessly, ugly crying with snot and drool, and hot tears soaking into the collar of my jacket. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I repeated until my throat felt raw, and my eyes were swollen and red. I don't know how long I stayed like that, but I knew it was a long time. Eventually, I got myself together enough to finish the job. Aiden might have died a monster, but he would get a hunter's send off.

I left him lying on the cold floor and went outside, finally tasting the freedom that the door held back, but now it was bitter. Another crack in the bridge, another rusty bolt. It would go unnoticed again. The old mill was overgrown by trees and bushes, enough material to build a proper pyre. When I was done, I brought Aiden out and laid him on top of the pile of wood. I had syphoned some gas from Aiden's car and used it as fuel to get the fire burning fast and hot, lit a book of matches and tossed it. Then I stood by and watched my friend, my partner, my lover burn until the flames consumed him. As I did, I never shed another tear, but the hurt, the regret, and the guilt attached itself to my soul. This was my fault, I told myself, my burden to carry, my bane. And that's when I began to tell myself that I was not a worthy man. That would stay imprinted upon my heart for years to come, and it wouldn't begin to lift until I met Castiel, for he was the only one who saw all the cracks and the rust. He was the only one who said the bridge would collapse. And when it did, it was Cas who was there to pick up the pieces and say, let's build a better bridge this time. It was always Cas, even before I knew about him.

Back at the motel, I found the message light blinking on the phone. It was Bobby. Sammy had a nightmare, thought I had died. He had always had bad dreams since I could remember, and sometimes they held some truth to them, which was why Bobby called. This latest one was true to a degree. A part of me died tonight, burning with Aiden on the pyre.

* * *

><p>I called Bobby back, even though it was late in the night. Told him I was out on a job, but everything was fine. He put my brother on the phone, and the relief in his voice warmed me. "I'm coming home," I told him before I hung up. Then I called my dad.<p>

"Hi Dad."

"Hey Son, everything alright?"

"Yeah, well … no."

"What's wrong? Are you hurt?" he asked urgently.

"No, it's not me, I'm fine. It's … it's my partner, Aiden. He, uh … we came across a nest and … and–" I couldn't hold back the tears anymore.

"Where are you?" he asked, and I gave him directions.

"I'm coming now. I'll be there in a couple hours."

"Dad?"

"Yes, Son."

"I want to go to Bobby's for a while. I want to be with Sammy. He had another dream."

"Anything you want, Dean. I'll be there soon."


	3. Chapter 3 Reconstruction

**Chapter 3 – Reconstruction**

I woke up to warmth and comfort, my head laying on a soft place, the rhythmic beating of a heart in my ear. I looked up to find Cas holding me, my head resting on his chest. His shirt smelled freshly laundered, which gave me that homey feel. My face was damp, and I tasted salt on my lips, and I was instantly embarrassed. I was a grown man. I didn't cry, especially not around others, but I'd been crying in my sleep. It was those damn memories. I hadn't thought of those days in a very long time.

"Hello Dean," Cas said in his naturally soft voice, the one he used when it was only the two of us alone.

It occurred to me that he was in my room, and I didn't call to him. "How'd you get in here?"

He pointed to the Pink Floyd poster. The top edge flopped over where the tape came undone. "You never redrew the symbol. You should be careful about that. Any angel can come in here, if they know about it."

"Yeah," I said groggily with sleep. "I'll pay attention to that more. Glad you're here though, but why? I didn't call you."

"I sensed that you were under some distress and I came. You were curled up on your bed, mumbling mostly about stuff I didn't understand."

"Oh," I said quietly. "Yeah, I was having a dream, a nightmare more like it."

"Well, it must have been terrible, because I couldn't get you to wake up. You even called me a blood sucking douche bag, which I'm sure I am not," he said honestly.

I couldn't help but laugh. "No, no. I wasn't calling you a douche. It was just a dream, Cas. Nothing personal."

"I figured that much."

I lifted myself up and sat next to him, both of us leaning against the headboard of my bed. We were comfortably quiet for a few moments, and then he looked at me, blue eyes full of inquiry. "Who is Aiden?" he asked.

The memories were still too vivid after reliving those parts from my past. I'd never told anyone about Aiden or what we meant to each other. "He was a hunter. He died."

"Did you hunt together?" Cas asked.

"We did, for a little while."

"He must have been important to you to have dreamt about him."

"He was, but he's gone now. Listen, Cas, I know you're trying to help or get me to open up or whatever, but some things are better left buried." My words came out a bit harsher than I had meant them to be.

"That's your problem, Dean, you keep too many things trapped inside you."

"Yeah, well, better there than unleashed on the people around me."

"I don't think it's better."

"What's with the psychotherapy, crap? Drop it." Now I really was beginning to get irritated.

Cas got up from the bed. "Maybe I should go." He straightened the collar of his coat, ready to vanish.

"No, wait. I didn't mean to snap at you. Don't go, please," I begged, and he sat back down on the edge of the bed. He didn't say a word because he was waiting for me to say something. "Alright, fine … the short version, then. Aiden wasn't just a hunter. He was my lover." I paused to let the words hang in the air. I had never said that aloud to anyone.

"What happened to him?" Cas asked carefully.

"We were chasing a nest of vamps and things went wrong. Aiden got bit and was turned." That's about as much as I would say about it. I wasn't ready to tell the story with all of its gory details.

Cas turned to me and gazed into my eyes, sharing my pain like he always managed to do. The fact that I'd been crying in my sleep must have helped him to figure out the ending to my story. "Oh Dean," he whispered, slowly shaking his head. "It was you who had to kill him, wasn't it?"

I felt a lump rising in my throat and swallowed hard, nodding my answer, afraid to open my mouth and speak. Cas instantly took me in his arms and held me against him.

"I'm so sorry that had to happen to you," he said compassionately.

I pushed away from him. I didn't want to he held like a child. I needed space. This was my burden to carry. "It was a long time ago."

"And you've kept this to yourself all this time?"

"Who else was I going to tell? I killed a man, Cas. Not only that, but I killed someone I loved. It's not exactly the kind of thing you share for story time."

"You could have told me," he said, almost a sternness to his tone.

"And when was I going to do that, huh? When you pulled me from hell? Oh, hey, thanks for pulling me from my fiery grave, but really, you shouldn't have because I destroyed a precious life with my selfishness," I said mockingly.

Cas' eyes narrowed with anger, and suddenly he reached out and touched my temple. All I saw was a flash of white light coming from his eyes, blinding me. I felt like something was being sucked out of me, but I was paralyzed and couldn't move. It all happened so fast, there wasn't time to defend myself. Cas removed his fingers from my head, and slumped over, his arms resting on his knees. When he sat up again, he looked desolate.

"What the hell did you do to me?" I complained, a headache beginning to form.

"I absorbed your memory."

"You can read minds?" I stood from the bed, feeling like I just woke from an all-night drinking binge.

"No, it's not the same thing. I can latch onto a single event and pull it out of you. Then it becomes part of my memory," he explained, standing from the bed as well.

"I don't know about you, but where I come from that's considered an invasion of privacy. Wanna stay out of my head?" I said angered, pinching the bridge of my nose.

"You weren't telling me everything," Cas said, defending his actions.

"Maybe it's none of your fucking business," I answered loudly.

"You want me to be with you, then it's a part of my business," he retaliated.

"You want to be with _me_, you let _me_ decided when it's time to open that can of venomous snakes," I shouted, throwing it right back in his face. There we stood staring at each other, like two bulls ready to lock horns. Neither one of us was backing away, but I felt like I had the better argument. He just didn't understand what a shitty thing that was.

"And when were you going to share this piece of your past with me? When have you shared your troubles with anybody? You can't keep doing this to yourself, Dean. It's going to put you in a bad place sooner or later."

"I've already been in a bad place, or have you forgotten?"

"And you think this is the incident that landed you in hell?"

"No, but it sure set me on my path," I said. I could feel it all coming to the surface like magma rising inside a volcano. If I let it explode, someone was going to get hurt.

Cas' eyes softened as he searched my face. "You were just a kid then. It wasn't your fault. None of it was your fault."

I laughed cynically. "Are you sure you extracted the right memory, because that's not how I remembered things going down."

"I saw the same things that you saw, Dean, but you are remembering them differently. You want to put the blame on yourself, so you've been twisting the story over the years. What I pulled from you was the raw memory, your eyes acting like a camera, your mind like a recorder." He cupped the side of my face. "I saw a boy, scared and on his own, having to make a decision of a grown up. There are men who wouldn't have made it past the door after doing what you did. They would have taken their own lives in that mill. And there are some that might have made it for a few days or months, but eventually they would have succumbed to the guilt."

"I might have handled it in the moment, but I never learned to manage it in my day to day life. The moment I stuck that needle in Aiden's neck was the day my life began to spiral out of control. I didn't know it, and it took years for me to hit bottom, but it weakened me, and I hate knowing that," I admitted.

"You're wrong, Dean. It made you stronger. It was horrible, but it helped shape you into the man you are today. Not only did you survive, but you took that awful moment and tried to right the wrongs. I know you don't believe it, but I can see the good that came out of it."

My anger was beginning to dissipate as he looked at me with an unforgettable stare, so full of love and understanding, not pity and disgust. "I couldn't look at myself in a mirror for months after that. And I thought if anyone ever found out, they'd be … repulsed. You're the only one who knows … and your still here?" I questioned, fearing that he might leave at any moment.

The corner of his mouth curled as he huffed a quiet laugh. "Of course I am. Where else would I be?"

"But I … I killed a man. I loved him, and I killed him with hardly a second thought. Doesn't that make me just as much a monster as the things we hunt?"

"That's not what I saw. I witnessed a man so full of love for another that he was willing to sacrifice his sanity. You say you killed him, but something more profound happened in those last moments you shared. When you put Aiden to rest, you saved him. Don't you know, Dean? He would be in Purgatory right now if it wasn't for you. Instead, you helped cleanse him so that he could find his way to heaven. You returned Aiden to the man you fell in love with. What you killed was nothing but a vessel with residual feelings for what you once had. The real man was gone by that time."

"But it hurt no less, Cas. To me, he was still Aiden, even with fangs and the smell of that woman's blood on his breath." I felt a knot in my stomach and the lump rise again in my throat.

"Here is where you get confused. You didn't kill Aiden because you wanted to. You did it because you had to, because there was no one else there to do it. But not even that is the full picture. There could have been a hundred other hunters there to do it for you, and you still would have done it. You know how I know this? Because you have always taken responsibility. You've done it with your dad, with Sam, with people you've met over the years. But you do it to the point where you blame yourself when something goes wrong. Sometimes things don't go as planned, but it doesn't make it your fault." At that point, Cas walked away and focused his attention on the weapons hanging on my walls, a collection of knives displayed on a table, and then a crucifix laying on a shelf. I watched him transform to another place as he stared at the replica of Jesus nailed to the cross. "Do you know why I was chosen to save you from hell?"

"No. I just always thought it was because you are Castiel," I said. "You know, because you're important … up there?"

He laughed at that, a real laugh from deep in the chest. Cas didn't laugh often, and he never did so heartily. Only I could make him laugh like that, and it warmed me to know it. "Well, you're only partly right. I was called upon because I'm Castiel, but not because of my importance. I was never important, and for a long time I wondered why I was sent to retrieve you. I knew who you were, or at least what significance you played in the scheme of things, and I was told to do it because it was my duty as a soldier of God. But I had questions, and no one would answer them. They told me to just shut up and do it. I still didn't understand. Why me? Something could go wrong. I might fail my mission and lose you to the fires, or I could be lost myself. Shouldn't Michael be taking on this important mission, or maybe Gabriel? They were archangels, and they were much stronger than me. Going into hell and freeing you would have been a simple task. They were feared by the demons. No one would dare go after an archangel.

And then it suddenly made sense. They were sending me because I was expendable. They weren't sure their plan would work, and they wouldn't risk their most important angels. I was just Castiel, the unknown, the poor soul who got picked. It could have been any of us really. I think they were testing their plan when they sent me. They didn't expect it to actually work. I went and I did my duty. I braved the demons and the fire and brimstone, and I grasped you, searing my grip upon your shoulder. And I was shocked by what transpired between us. In my hand, I held the life of a man who felt he didn't deserve to live. Then it made sense to me, why I was chosen. It wasn't me they had doubts in. It was you. Heaven wouldn't risk sending an archangel for a man who might still refused to be saved. So they told me to go, and if you wouldn't come with me, if I became trapped somehow, it was ok. It was just Castiel. Heaven would lose an insignificant angel, and know that Dean Winchester was not worthy."

"Sounds like you got lucky, Cas. I probably wasn't worthy. I've let so many people down," I said, still reeling from my earlier emotions, the sadness of remembering it all.

"If you deserved to be there, as you've led yourself to believe, do you really think I would have been able to lift you up from those fiery depths? I was sent on a failed mission. They knew you couldn't be talked into coming back. They were looking for a way to force you back." Castiel charged towards me, stopping before me and roughly grabbing my shoulders. "I brought you back, but it wasn't just me. I couldn't have done it if you really believed that was your fate. I felt a spark, a tiny part of you that knew you didn't deserve to be there. It was small, but it shined like a beacon. That's what I focused all my energy on. I had to because I knew I couldn't lift you by myself. No one would have been able to do that. I needed you to believe that you could be saved. That's the only thing that could break the chains that bound you to hell. And so together, we built on that spark until it shined so bright that it melted the chains. And we rose up from that forsaken place, just you and me, and it was beautiful, Dean. It was truly beautiful," he said dreamily.

The word struck me in my core. "You've said that before," I said shyly, remembering it as though it just happened. "The first time we made love, you looked at me … no, through me, and you said that exact word."

"I remember," he smiled, "but I never explained."

The tension between us was dissipating as we opened up to each other. "So it wasn't just my good looks?" I joked.

"Well, there is that too," he jested in return, lighting the dark mood in the room. Then he pointed his finger at my chest. "Beautiful is the light shining from within you. Beautiful is your soul, and the kindness in your heart. Beautiful is your love for family, friends … for me. It's never faltered. It's never faded. It burns bright, almost blinding. That's the part of you that I've always seen or felt. It's the same part that other's feel. Your father, Bobby, Sam … Aiden … they all saw that shining light that is the purity of goodness in your soul, and it … is … beautiful." Cas smiled then, a wide genuine grin that showed off his perfect white teeth, and made his eyes crinkle in the corners.

Cas didn't smile like that often, only when he was really moved. It was a special smile. As a matter of fact, I'd only seen him do it one other time. It was not long after we officially met. At that point, I wasn't sure whether I could trust him or not. He was the first angel I'd ever met, and he was nothing like the image that everyone had when they thought of angels. We were at a park or near a playground or somewhere. I can't remember where, but as we were talking, a small child came up to him, and tugged on his trench coat. I could tell she sensed something unique about him. It was the way she looked at him. Cas stared down at the little girl, and she inched her finger, gesturing for him to bend down. He completely transformed, and forgot about our heated discussion or whatever we were arguing about. His eyes softened as he got down on one knee so he would be at eye level with the girl. He gave her his undivided attention, and she whispered in his ear, telling him her wish. He told her that her wish would take first priority, and then he smiled at her the way he was now. His bright blue eyes and winning grin not only lit me up, but they lifted my heart, gave me hope in a world full of horror. I could see that Castiel had a genuine affection for the human race. The other angels he was working with at the time didn't. It's why I was hesitant to trust him, because of the company he kept. But right then, at that exact moment with him and the child, I was witnessing the real Castiel. Not only did he see the good in humanity, but he understood it. And now I knew that he saw it in me too, that he'd always seen it even when I couldn't.

This was the memory I was trying to draw on earlier today, but I railroaded myself and conjured up old ghosts. I was trying to remember the moment I decided to make a change, and pull myself from the darkness that I dwelled in at the time, and that was it … the first time I saw Cas smile.

Of course, I didn't change overnight. There were a lot of cracks to fill and rusty bolts to replace. And at times I was very difficult to deal with, defiant and stubborn. I still made mistakes along the way. Hell, I'm still making them. But the one constant in all of this has been Castiel. I've lost friends and family. Sometimes even Sammy can't put up with me and he leaves for a while. Not Cas. Never Cas.

"You've always believed in me," I said, running my fingers through his black hair.

"And I always will." He leaned in and kissed me. "Like I told you the day I met you, you're a special man, Dean."

_. . . 'You're something special' . . ._ The words rang through my head. It was the last thing Aiden said to me before he left me at the motel that night. Just before that, I had told him I loved him, and I did. But not until now did I really know what love was.

"After Aiden, I swore I would never love again. In this business, it's a dangerous thing. It's an emotion we can't afford to give into. It clouds judgment, leads to wrong decisions. Some would say it makes a man weak. But without it, what is there to fight for?"

"You're sexy when you're trying to be philosophical," Cas smirked.

"Hey, I'm having a moment here," I complained jokingly. "Wait, were you just … trying to be funny?"

"That depends. Did it work?"

I grabbed a fistful of his shirt. "Come here you," I said pulling him against me. I pushed the coat from his shoulders and threw it over a chair. I kissed him hard, wantonly, and I could feel him giving in to me as we fell onto the bed. It was not difficult to seduce Cas, one of the things I liked about him. Always ready at a moment's notice. I straddled him where he lay, and carefully unbuttoned his shirt, unbuckled his pants. He slipped out of everything, his clothes scattered across the bed, until all he wore was his briefs.

"That's not fair," he growled low, kissing the palms of my hands.

"What's that?"

"Somehow, I always end up naked before you do."

I smiled fiendishly. "That's because I like striping you." I started to kiss him again and stopped. "Wait. I forgot to lock you in." I jumped up from the bed and started towards the wall where the poster was. "Just give me one second to–"

"Uh, Dean?"

Shit! It was Sam. I spun around and there he was, standing in my bedroom doorway. Shit, I forgot to lock the door, and I didn't hear him come home. Then I turned my attention to the bed. Empty. Wow! Close call. And I was just about to redraw the symbol. Cas barely made it out, but his clothes didn't. Oh crap, and Sammy was looking right at them. There was no mistaking the white shirt, black pants, and tan trench coat. And where the hell did Cas poof off to in his underwear?

"Damn it, Sammy, don't you ever knock?" I yelled, trying to look angry, but it came out awkward.

Sam walked over to the chair where the trench coat laid. He fingered the lapel. "What's Cas' coat doing here?" His attention turned to the bed. "And the rest of his clothes?"

Shit! Fuck! How the hell was I going to explain this one? "Those aren't Cas' clothes. What do you want, Sam?" I asked, trying to evade the question, but rushing the sentences together.

"I couldn't find my laptop and figured you had it in here." Yeah, it was here, on the table. I picked it up and shoved it at him. "Did you … find … anything?" he asked, distracted, as he kept eyeing Cas' clothes. My mind was going a thousand miles an hour trying to come up with a reasonable explanation. Sam couldn't ignore it any longer. "Dean, what the hell is going on here?"

"I …" _glanced at the laptop_. "Uh …" _then the trench coat_. "It's, um …" _come on jackass, think of something. _"I got an idea …" _stalling for time_.

"And?" Sam asked, drawing the word out long.

"And … and … I … think we can catch whoever's killing homeless men in this town." I was really reaching here.

"Well, that's what we're already trying to do," Sam said, confused. "Dean, did you get on some porn site instead of doing research?"

"What? No! What gave you that idea?"

"Oh, I don't know. You've got my computer … in your bedroom … and you're acting … weird." He looked at the bed again. "And what about Cas'–"

"They're not his!" I rushed to say a little louder than I'd meant to. "They just look like his." Finally, I figured it out. "I thought I would dress up like a bum, go down to 20th street and blend, keep an eye out, see if I can find this sick bitch."

"Dressed like Cas?" He wasn't quite buying it yet.

"Well, you have to admit that sometimes Cas looks a little rough around the edges. I'm just thinking off the top of my head. And don't hobos wear trench coats?"

"That would be perverted flashers who hang around playgrounds," Sam replied, but he seemed to forget about his interrogation. I thought my plan was working. "Impersonating the homeless is a good idea, but you have to dress right. Cas looks too 'business man'. You would need to look more 'unemployed business man'."

"Huh. Yeah, now that you mention it, that makes more sense," I agreed quickly.

Sam started to leave, but something caught his eye. I followed the line of his vision and noticed the flopped down corner of the Floyd poster. He pointed at it. "Isn't that Dad's old poster?" He was coming back into my room, heading for the wall.

"Yeah, I came across it in a box full of his things that he must have left somewhere. Don't remember where." I cut off his path before he got to close. "The corner came loose. Just needs some new tape." Sam looked at me suspiciously, and I smiled wide. "Don't you have work to do?" I pointed at his computer.

"No thanks to you," he complained. He looked around my shoulder, squinting his eyes. "Is that–"

"Putty," I interrupted. "Found a slight crack in the wall and filled it in."

"It looks like … chalk."

"Nope. Putty." I smiled winningly and he rolled his eyes, then left.

I stood there a moment, waiting to see if he would come back in or not. When I was satisfied that he wasn't, I started towards my door.

"Dean."

I jumped and spun around. "Geez, Cas! You scared the crap out of me."

"I'm sorry. Do you need to change or something?"

"What?" I said, confused a moment, then realizing that he still took some comments literally. "No, it's just a figure of–" I stopped when I noticed his clothes. He was wearing a pair of extremely short and tight grey hiker shorts with the drawstrings hanging down, and a snug fitting blue tank top. "Where in the world did you pop off to?" I said, trying not to laugh.

"I didn't have time to think, and went to the first place that came to mind where it might be acceptable to see someone in their underwear … the men's locker room at a gym," he said, looking down at his outfit. "It's a bit ridiculous, I know, but it was the first thing I could find."

I padded slowly towards him. "I don't know. It's kind of sexy." I fingered the drawstrings, my eyes drawn to the very noticeable swell. "Nothing to hide, if you know what I mean."

He looked down and turned a few shades redder. "It is a bit revealing, isn't it?"

I slid my fingers around the waistband and dipped my hands into the back, sucked on the flesh of his neck, and pulled him against me. "Dean, what are you doing?"

"You have to ask?" I said between kisses.

"Your brother almost caught us."

"I know, and I had to come up with a reason why your clothes were scattered all over my bed." I continued my seductive ministrations.

"Then I think it would be a very bad idea to engage in anything sexual at the moment," he complained, trying to get out of my grasp.

"Oh yes, a very, very bad idea, which means the sex will be very, very good." As I spoke, I pulled him towards the bathroom.

"Where are we going?"

"Well, seeing you dressed in those tight shorts has all kinds of dirty thoughts rumbling around in my head, and I think I need a shower. You're coming with me." I closed and locked the bathroom door behind me. Then I proceeded to strip naked. "See?" I teased. "You're not always the first one without any clothes on, but you won't be clothed for long." I reached into the shower and turned the handle, letting the water heat and steam up the room. When I turned back to Cas, he was already naked.

"I've never done it in a shower before," he stated.

The water was at a perfect temperature, and I pointed towards the curtain. "Angels first."

He stepped in with me right behind him, the water cascading down both of our bodies. I pushed him against the tiled wall and attacked him with kisses. But then I stopped and captured his eyes with mine. "Thank you, Cas, for always believing in me."

"You're worth it, Dean," he said, and we kissed slow and passionately, tongues caressing. Our slick bodies slid against each other. Nothing felt better than this.

I turned him around, facing the wall, and grabbed him by the hips. "Brace the wall," I demanded, and he put his hands out. My knee nudged his legs apart. From there, Cas knew what to do, and positioned himself. I took him slow and easy hoping he wouldn't do that thing with the bright light and the scent of ozone. I just wanted him the normal way, but Cas was always afraid he wouldn't feel anything unless he made love in angel form.

"Close your eyes, Dean," he warned.

"Cas, can't we just–"

"Do it, Dean," he commanded.

It's not that it was bad. As a matter of fact, it was the best sex I'd ever had, out of body and mind. It's just that, well, it was the only way he could fully experience the act. I wasn't convinced that he couldn't feel anything through his vessel, but I think he was just afraid. I wished that he would let me take him as the human he portrayed, but then again, sex with Castiel in his otherworldly state was mind blowing. So I let him raise me up once more, and lost myself in the process. It's the only time that I didn't hurt anywhere, especially inside. When I was with Cas, I had no past, no burden, no bane. It was just me and him and nothing else. How did I get so lucky to have actually found something so real? I had no answer, but I didn't care. He was mine, and mine alone.

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile<em> _. . ._

Sam knocked on Dean's bedroom door. "Hey Dean." No answer. He knocked again. "You're not mad at me for shooting down your idea, are you?" When there was still no answer, Sam tried the door handle and found it unlocked. "Can I come in?" He slowly opened the door and peeked inside. That's when he heard the shower running and noticed that the bathroom door was closed. Sam let himself in and glanced around Dean's room. He was still confused by the Castiel clothes. It was odd, he thought. It wasn't like it was difficult to know how to dress like a homeless person.

He picked up the trench coat from the chair and examined it more closely. The tag displayed a size that would have been small on Dean. Sam furrowed his brow in confusion, and walked to the bed. It was still neatly made, a white shirt and dark pants thrown hastily on the comforter. As he reached for the shirt out of curiosity, his foot knocked something under the bed. Sam looked down and saw a black shoe. He glanced at the bathroom door again, and then bent down to pick up the shoe. After a closer look, he noticed the size was not Dean's, and set it back on the floor where he found it.

Sam knew he shouldn't be snooping on his brother. Dean was a very private person, always had been, but sometimes, the only way he could figure out his brother was to do a little investigating. Sam knew he kept secrets about his past and his present, but this was the oddest thing he'd found so far.

The shower was still running, so Sam took the time to glance around the room. Nothing else seemed out of the ordinary. There were the usual things lying around, hunting knives, an empty Styrofoam food container, the local newspaper with the story of another homeless killing circled. It was a case they had been following for a few days, but there hadn't been any new leads. Then his eyes were drawn to the Pink Floyd poster. The top corner was still hanging loose. It shouldn't stay like that. It would bend. So, Sam went over to smooth it back onto the wall. That's when he saw what Dean had said was putty. Sam touched it and white came off on his finger. It was chalk, just like he thought it was. Why did Dean lie? Sam carefully pulled the other corner loose and revealed a symbol drawn behind the poster. It was an angel sign designed to keep them out, but part of it was erased, a broken seal. This would allow an angel to enter Dean's room. Sam looked at the carelessly tossed clothes on the bed once more. Suddenly, there was bright light spilling from beneath the bathroom door, unnaturally luminous, blinding. He looked away, feeling his eyes water and burn. When he looked back, the light had extinguished, the shower water was still running, and Sam began to put the clues together.

"Holy shit," he murmured.

Sam had always wondered about Dean's personal life. His brother never brought anyone around. He was never in any relationships, and if he had one night stands, he had them somewhere else. Sam had suspected on a few occasions that Dean might be gay. There were very subtle hints that made Sam wonder, but not enough to prove anything. Not that it would matter. Sam knew homosexual couples in college. He wasn't against that sort of thing. People were who they were.

He knew Dean was a good looking man. He'd seen just about every woman they passed eye him, but Dean never gave them a second look, and some of those women were extremely hot. Sam just played it off as being too busy with a job to think about pursuing any of them, though Sam had, on occasion, trailed some beauty to have his needs satisfied by sunrise. Dean never showed any signs of interest, at least not with pretty women. There was, however, an incident, and it was very brief, when he caught Dean watching a handsome twenty something male from over his coffee cup. Sam could have sworn there was lust in his brother's eyes, and when he turned to follow Dean's line of sight, his brother tried to distract him. Not before Sam saw the well-built dirty blond ogling Dean from afar. No, it couldn't be, he justified. Now that he thought about it, Dean never came back to the motel they were crashing at that night. He had called and said he was staying with someone named Jamie. Sam just assumed it was a woman, but now that he thought about it . . .

He looked at the bathroom door again, feeling very awkward as he invaded his brother's privacy. Could his suspicions be right? And if so, what would this mean? It was one thing to finally know for sure what his brother's sexual preferences were, but to find out that he was screwing an angel . . .

Sam laughed nervously to himself. "No, couldn't be. That isn't possible, is it? Isn't there some kind of rule or something against humans and angels fraternizing with–

"Oh Castiel," came a moan from the opposite side of the bathroom door. There was no mistaking Dean's voice.

The water turned off, and the metal curtain rings slid across the pole from which they hung. Sam heard the rustling of towels and panicked. He hurried to the bedroom door and slipped out, taking off for his own room, trying desperately to erase the image beginning to brew in his mind. Dean and Castiel. Is that what he witnessed? Sam tried to come up with an excuse, just someone who happened to dress like their angel friend, but how many people were named Castiel? And how could he explain that bright light? This was no coincidence. Dean was sleeping with Cas. But what was this, just a one-time fling, a drunken mistake, or was it something more involved? It was more than that though. Times were dangerous for all of them. Cas was being chased by angels who wanted to bring him back to heaven and lock him up for past mistakes he had made. They would stop at nothing to catch him, and that meant killing anyone who was hiding him. What the hell would they do if they found out he was screwing a human? Not only that, but Dean Winchester. "What kind of shit are you getting yourself messed up in this time, Dean?" Sam said to himself.

* * *

><p>Castiel finished tying his tie while I zipped up my jeans. We were clean, sated, dressed, and wishing we had more time together. He had to go again, and I didn't know how long it would be until we saw each other again. We came together, standing face to face.<p>

"Be careful out there," I warned.

"You too, Dean," he replied.

I leaned towards him to kiss him once more before he vanished, but stopped midway when I noticed the poster had come undone from both top corners. Cas watched me, and saw the broken seal. "You didn't seal us in? Dean, someone could have heard us. If they ever find out about–"

"It's not just angels, I'm afraid," I said, noticing a finger had been swiped through part of the chalk drawing. I turned and glanced at my bedroom door.

"What is it?" Cas asked with concern.

I went to the door. Damn it, I never did lock it. I was distracted by Cas when he came back wearing those tight shorts and . . .

There was a white smudge on the door frame. I looked at Cas with panic in my eyes, and confirmed what my suspicions had feared. "Sam."


	4. Chapter 4 Confessions of a Gay Man

**Chapter 4 – Confessions of a Gay Man**

There I stood in my bedroom, Castiel at my side, and both of us staring at a white chalk smudge on the inside doorframe. Cas and I had an intense conversation about my past, which included a bit of arguing and eventually led to phenomenal sex in the shower. In the midst of things, I must have forgotten to lock my bedroom door. So, where did this chalky fingerprint come from? I looked back at a Pink Floyd poster on the wall, the one that covered the angel ban symbol, the one I could easily erase to allow Cas to come to me, and then redraw it to lock him in and lock other angels out. This was how we managed lately. Our relationship was a secret. No one knew, not until now.

The poster, which had come loose at one corner, now hung halfway down, both corners undone, and the symbol exposed. Cas and I had been so hot for each other, I forgot to redraw the part I'd erased. It was a dangerous mistake, and Cas had warned me on several occasions to make sure I locked him in when he visited. I didn't know if it was true of all angels or just Cas, but when he … you know … he was a bit loud and bright, at least to other beings like himself. Guess you could say he was a screamer, if you catch my drift. As long as the symbol was in place, he was hidden from those who pursued him. He couldn't afford to get caught. There were those who wanted him captured and hauled back to heaven, and others who just wanted him dead.

I examined the chalk drawing and found where the white dust had been lifted by someone's finger. It wasn't mine or Cas', so there was only one other it could be. "Sam," I said aloud. "Shit! Sam was in my room while we were . . ."

"Do you think he knows?" Castiel asked.

"Well, he was suspicious when he saw your clothes scattered around my room." Cas had been here earlier, and we were turning up the heat. I had him undressed and waiting in my bed, and at the last minute remembered to seal him in. As I was about to do that, Sam barged into my room. Cas took flight at the first sign of exposure, and Sam never knew he was here, but Cas' clothes remained behind. I came up with some lame excuse that I was using the clothes for an undercover assignment. Sam and I were looking into a strange case of homeless men disappearing, never to be seen again, but the blood trail had run cold. With Sam eyeing the trademark trench coat, I told him I was going to dress like the homeless and go down to the place where these people disappeared. Sam thought it was a good enough idea, but that dressing like Cas wasn't homeless looking enough. I didn't know if he bought it or not. He seemed to at the time, and eventually he left my room. Right after that, Cas materialized once more, wearing someone's gym shorts and a tank. It was the first thing he found, since he flashed out of here in only his underwear. I was distracted by his cute ass in those tight shorts, and I guess I forgot to lock my bedroom door, as well as redraw the symbol. Cas and I ended up in the shower, and Sam must have come back. And by the looks of it, he'd found my secret symbol as well.

"I'd say there's a pretty good chance Sam knows about us now," I told my lover.

"What do you think he'll do?" Castiel wondered, waiting for me to answer.

I just shrugged my shoulders. What could Sam do? He'd probably confront me, and I would have to confess my secret, but it's not like he was going to turn Cas in to the angel police. He knew the kind of trouble Cas was in, and he knew we needed him to complete our latest mission. Then, it would finally be out, that his brother liked dick. I was more worried about that conversation than the one about Cas and me. Sam was straight as an arrow. I'd seen him make faces when he saw guys walking hand and hand down the sidewalk. It was a look of disgust, but it didn't surprise me. That was a normal reaction for straight men before they turned their heads and looked in the opposite direction. I never cared before. It just made it easier for me to determine who to hit on. I didn't have to worry about that anymore. I had Cas now. There was no one else for me.

"I'll deal with Sammy. You just worry about yourself," I told him, pulling him against me. "I wish you didn't have to go," I whispered into his neck.

"I wish that too, but I think I better do some investigating, see if anyone was paying attention to angel radio. Make sure to seal your room. If anyone out there heard us, this is the first place they'll come looking," he warned.

"Don't be gone as long this time as the last, alright? I need to see you again, Cas," I pleaded.

"I'll be back soon. I promise." He kissed me and I closed my eyes, reveling in the feel of his lips moving against mine. I felt the air move and heard the rustle of feathers, and when I opened my eyes, Cas was gone.

I filled in the broken parts of the symbol and taped the poster to the wall again. I'd have to find a better place for the symbol, perhaps the closet or behind the dresser, something better than a flimsy poster. Not now, though. I needed to figure things out first. I sat down at my desk and contemplated how to approach my brother.

"Did you hear any strange noises coming from my bathroom, because that was just me and Cas having sex," I practiced. I could go the 'to the point' route.

Or I could go for a joke. "Hey, you know how they say there's a little angel in all of us? Well I just had an angel in me, and it was Cas." No, that's fucking terrible.

"I'll just say it," I said as I left my room. Walking down the hall, I practiced how I would say it. "Sammy, I like guys." No. "Yeah, so I … uh … I kind of like to sleep with men." No, not that way either. I rounded the corner to head down the hall that led to Sam's room, and tried one more way. "Sammy, I'm gay."

"I know," came his voice as we ran into each other. We stopped dead in our tracks. I couldn't look him in the eye, and ran my hand over the hair at the back of my head.

"Oh, you heard that?" I said, embarrassed. Well, at least I didn't have to break into it slowly.

"Dean, I think we need to talk."

"Yeah, that's why I was heading your way. So … umm … well, how'd you figure it out?"

"First, I need a beer," Sam said, and we went off to the kitchen.

He had cooked earlier. The scent of sautéed mushrooms clung to the air, making my stomach growl. I never thought about eating when Cas was around. I seemed to forget everything but him when he was here, like he was the only sustenance I needed to survive. But right now, I could really go for a–

"Want me to make you something?" Sam asked, as though he read my mind. "I know you've been holed up in your room for a while."

"Yeah, Sammy, that'd be great," I replied while retrieving a couple beers from the fridge. I popped the tops and gave him one. The tension between us, though, geez … you could cut it with an ax. "Where'd you learn to cook?" I asked when he whipped a steak out of the fridge and threw it in a pan.

"Um, well, from this girl I was seeing," he answered awkwardly. "At least I can make steak and mushrooms."

"Not much else you need to know how to make, huh?" I said trying to ease some of the tension. It wasn't working. "Ok, Sammy, I'm just going to come out and say this. Yes, I'm gay. I have always been this way. No, Dad never knew–"

"You're screwing Cas?" he came out and blatantly asked.

I took a long swig of my beer, threw my hand up in defeat and nodded. "Yes. I'm screwing Cas."

"For how long?" The pan sizzled, the smell of browning meat wafting past my nose.

"Oh, for a few months, though he's been gone for half of that time."

Sam stabbed the steak with a fork and flipped it. "And how does he get in? I thought this place was warded against his kind."

"It is, but I found something that lets him through," I admitted.

"Behind Dad's old Floyd poster?"

"Yeah."

The steak was really cooking now, and I kind of wished he still had some mushrooms, but I wasn't going to press my luck. "Smells good, Sammy," I smiled.

"Thanks," he said without enthusiasm. He knew I liked my steak rare, and took it off the stove before it cooked too long. He grabbed a plate and tilted the skillet, letting the steak slide out. Then he put the plate in front of me and set the skillet in the sink. Sam picked up his beer and sat down at the counter on the opposite side of where I was, only a few barstools away. The silverware drawer was over by him, as well as the steak knives.

"Uh, you mind?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah, sorry," he responded, getting the utensils for me and sliding them along the countertop.

I looked at the delicious smelling Porterhouse in front of me. It was a big steak, and my stomach, though growling, wasn't exactly wanting food with all the tension in the room. "There's a lot here. Want half of it?" I asked, making small talk.

That's when Sam lost it. "Jesus, Dean! You're sleeping with Castiel? What the hell are you thinking?"

I was chewing a piece of meat, but I couldn't seem to swallow it. "So … my being gay isn't the issue here?"

"Shit, I don't know. I don't know anything right now. But … Cas? Come on, Dean. He's an angel," Sam went on.

"Would it have been easier if you found out I was sleeping with a werewolf or perhaps a shifter?" I said angered.

"That's not what I mean, and you know it." He took another drink of his beer and a deep breath afterwards. "He isn't … human." He made that disgusted face that I'd told Cas about earlier, and I was really starting to get pissed off.

I forced myself to swallow the piece of steak and shoved the plate away from me. "No, Sam, I don't know what you mean. Cas is special, and sometimes he's a hell of a lot more human than you or I."

"He's an angel, Dean. He is not human. He probably shouldn't even be here on this earth, except for the fact that things are screwed up out there," Sam complained.

"But he is here, Sam, and we … we … love each other," I stammered and yelled. If this wasn't the oddest conversation we'd ever had . . .

"Ok, eww," Sam replied with that all too familiar look of disgust.

"What are you, five? Eww? Really. That's the best you've got? You know what, I should have expected this from you. What do you want from me? I'm gay, Sam. I like men just as you like women. And I can love them just the same, too."

"Dean, I get that your gay. Actually, I'm glad that you've finally told me. I think part of me has always suspected it, but I was too afraid to confront you about it. So that's great, you're out of the closet. But we're talking about Cas. You're sleeping with an angel, a celestial being from heaven. Don't you see something wrong with that?"

I narrowed my eyes at him, my anger ready to burst. "You know what?" I said calmly, surprising myself. "Fuck you, Sammy. You don't know anything about it. You know nothing if you think I'm just screwing Cas for the novelty of it. He's been there for me in times when I thought no one else was. And that includes you, little brother. He believes in me, and even after learning about my flaws, he still loves me."

"Are you even listening to yourself? What the hell have we been trying to do? Our mission, the one Cas has, supposedly, been helping us with. Have you forgotten that we're trying to close the gates to both heaven and hell? What then? Cas will have to leave with the rest of the angels when that happens. Are you going with him? Are you going to trap him on earth? It's not right, Dean. Angels and humans … it shouldn't even exist."

I slammed my fist down on the counter, making the silverware jump and clank together. "You will not persuade me one way or the other. Don't you think I've considered the future? I'm a hunter. I take it wherever I can get it, but it's not enough anymore. For a long time, I've been afraid to give my heart to someone. I've avoided relationships since Aiden–" I stopped short. I'd never meant to say his name, the name of the boy I once loved, the one who tragically turned into a vampire, the one I had to kill, sliding a needle in his neck, and injecting him with dead man's blood as I whispered my love for him.

"Aiden? The guy you hunted with when you struck out of your own?" Sam asked.

I was shocked that he knew about Aiden. Back then, Sam was a kid in high school, living with Bobby while Dad and I continued the business. I was twenty and eager for a taste of independence, which my father reluctantly gave me. "Yes, that Aiden."

"You and him–?"

I hung my head and closed my eyes. This was a touchy subject for me. "Not at first. We hunted. We made a good team. And then after a while we … figured each other out."

"Oh," Sam said quietly. He couldn't look at me, but I could tell he had questions. He was just wanting to understand me better, and I didn't blame him.

"Go on. What do you want to know?" I said.

"Oh, well … uh … no … that's ok," he said nervously.

"It's alright, Sam. You've got questions. Maybe it will help you understand the lifestyle better," I encouraged.

He was silent for a moment and I began to think he didn't want to know anything more. It was a lot to take in all at once. But then, he opened up a little. "Was that when you learned about your . . .?"

"That I was gay? No. I think I've always known. It's just who I am," I answered.

"Oh," Sam said and became silent again. He downed some of his beer and asked another question. "Was he your … first?"

"He wasn't my first experience. That happened in high school. You know, those few days that I went," I chided. I missed a lot of the high school scene because I was off hunting with Dad, and Sammy knew it. He smiled and huffed a laugh. I continued. "Aiden was the first guy I ever loved, though."

"So, all this was happening, and you never thought to share it with me?" Sam sounded a bit hurt, which surprised me.

"I didn't think you'd understand, or that maybe you wouldn't accept it. I don't know. It was just easier to keep to myself, you know?"

Sam nodded in agreement, the crease between his brows deepening. I could tell he still had questions. "So when Aiden … died … that's when you came to stay with Bobby and me, isn't it?"

I looked down and away, and cleared my throat of the lump trying to make its way up. "Yeah, I … needed some time. Dad came and got me, brought me to Bobby's. I never told him anything about my choice, and I don't think he ever suspected anything. As far as he knew, Aiden was my hunting partner and a good friend. At least he allowed me time to mourn."

"Seems to me you never really stopped mourning him," Sam pointed out.

"It was a long time ago, Sammy. It took me a long time to get over what happened to Aiden. It was very harsh and cruel, and I'll not speak of it right now. But I'll say this. When I made that deal with the crossroads demon to save your life, it wasn't a tough decision for me to make, and not just because I was saving you," I admitted. This was territory that Sam and I never spoke of once everything was all said and done. "I did my time in hell, and if it wasn't for Cas, I'd still be there, but at the time, I thought it was what I deserved to compensate for what I'd done. Turns out I was wrong, and it was Cas that helped me get back on the right path. The healing was a long time coming, and my reward has been Castiel. Now, I know you don't agree, and that's fine, but in the end it is my decision, and I choose him. I need him right now. He makes me stronger, keeps me on the straight and narrow."

"You're right, Dean. I don't agree, but it's not up to me. All I can do is voice my opinion, and you know how I feel."

"I can accept that," I said. "Now, let me eat in peace. I'm starving."

* * *

><p>Three weeks had passed since the last time I saw Cas. I was beginning to worry about him. Something must have gone wrong. I tried calling to him, but he never came. If anything happened to Cas because of a stupid mistake on my part, I . . .<p>

No, I didn't even want to think about it. Cas was capable of taking care of himself. Although, there had been times when he'd gotten in too deep in the past. He was good now. He realized his mistakes, was given another chance to do the right thing. If he was doing anything wrong now, it was being with me, and I didn't think that was all that bad, not after the other crap he did.

It got a little better between Sam and me. I actually felt better, now that things were out in the open. The proverbial weight was lifted from my shoulders to a degree. I still didn't think he fully understood me, but that was alright. I didn't expect him to get it overnight. But the whole thing with Cas and me being together, I could tell it bothered him. At just the mention of his name, Sam would cringe. It was too close to home, I think. Cas had been our friend for a few years now, before we became lovers. So for Sam to think of him any other way, well, it was too much, I guess.

Sam and I were heavy into doing some research. We'd heard over the police scanner that the body of one of the homeless victims had been discovered in a land fill, drained of blood. It was the first body discovered. All the rest had never turned up anywhere. I kept looking at our options as far as what kind of creature could have done this, but my gut was telling me something I didn't want to hear.

"I'll go down and inspect the body, but I'm positive it's vamps. It makes sense that they would be taking homeless. They won't be missed and no one will come looking for them," Sam argued, making his point. I knew he was right. I just wasn't ready to deal with another nest. We hadn't come across vampires in a long while, and if we never did again, it would be too soon.

"Alright then, now we see if we can find where they're holed up. The area around where the body was found will be a good place to start," I said. Just then, my cell rang. I looked at the screen, but I didn't recognize the number. This was my personal phone. Only a few people had this number.

"Hello," I answered.

"Dean." It was Cas.

"Hey," I said, probably a bit too cheerily, but I was glad to hear his voice. "Where are you?" Cas never called my phone, though he had the number. I wrote it down a while back and made him keep it with him at all times.

"I can't really talk. I need somewhere to stay. Can I come by?"

"You know you can. But why are you calling?" I asked.

"It's not safe to travel like I usually do. Every time I do, they can trace me. I'm coming the old fashioned way."

"Through the front door then. Yeah, come on over. See you soon." I hung up and set the phone back on the table.

"That Cas?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, he's on his way." I tried not to sound too eager and kept myself from smiling.

"The normal way? What's going on?" At least Sam sounded concerned.

"I don't know. He said he can't poof around like usual. Flight risk I guess." I glanced at my brother out of the corner of my eye. "Are you going to be here when he shows up?"

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know. I thought you might feel a little … weird about it or something."

"Dean, I may not agree with what the two of you are doing, but Cas is still a friend and an important ally."

I just nodded at him. I wasn't going to stir anything up before Cas got here, so I went back to my work. My dad's book of everything supernatural sat before me, but I didn't need to search through it to know what we were going to have to hunt. Vamps were rare anymore. They'd been hunted almost to extinction. The ones that were still out there were very cautious. They were careful where they found their food. Preying on the homeless was a smart idea, for a bloodsucker. Not sure why they were targeting men, except that there seemed to be more of them than women.

Sam and I got out a map and located the area where the body was found. We traced out possible locations where a nest might be, coming to agreement easily. We'd head out in the morning. Tonight we would get our vamp artillery ready. About an hour into it, Cas showed.

I looked up and Cas was standing in the threshold. He had some cut marks on his face, as though he'd been in a fight. I saw him before Sam did, and our eyes locked.

"Dean," he said quietly.

I gave only a slight smile, afraid to show too much emotion with Sam here. "Hey Cas." I pointed towards the marks on his face. "What happened there?"

He didn't answer right away. He just stared at me a moment, then glanced at my brother. "Hello Sam."

"Hi Cas." Sam said, his brows drawing together. Something was a bit off about our angel friend. "You ok?"

"Yeah, I … I'm just … a bit tired."

"You look like hell," I said, but concern fell across my face. I looked at Sam before I went to him, as though I needed his permission first. Sam must have sensed this because he gave a brief nod and turned away for a moment. I went to Cas, crossing the room in only a few strides. I felt this pull between us, and I just needed to touch him. I hadn't seen him in a while. At a closer look, I could see where his skin was beginning to swell and turn red. Someone had punched the crap out of him. My hand automatically went to his shoulder, but he didn't reach for me. He just looked at me, searching for something, some kind of strength that he was hoping to find within my eyes.

"Cas?" I whispered, confused.

His hand lifted to my face, his palm cupping my cheek. "Dean," he said, and then his eyes rolled up so only the whites showed. His legs gave out and he started to fall.

I caught him before he hit the floor and shouted out to my brother. "Sammy!"

Sam was there in a flash. "What happened?"

"I don't know. He just went down. Let's get him to the couch." I grabbed Cas under the arms and Sam grabbed his ankles, and together we got him to the sofa. "Get some water or whisky or … something. I don't know."

"I'll get water," Sam said and he ran off to the kitchen.

With him gone, I ran my fingers through Cas' hair at the side of his head. "Cas. You in there? Cas, wake up."

His eyes fluttered open and he tried to smile. There was a cut on his bottom lip that opened and started to bleed as his lips stretched. "Dean, it's so good to see you."

"Yeah, you too," I answered, smiling in return. "What happened?"

"Th-they were after me. I almost … got away, but–" He winced.

"It's alright, don't try to talk. Just rest. You fainted. Sam's getting something for the wounds," I comforted him, kneeling next to him where he laid on the couch.

Cas reached for his coat and unbuttoned it to about the middle. He could barely move, and I helped him. As I did, there was no mistaking the metallic scent of blood, and my heart lurched to my throat. I pushed the trench coat open and confirmed my fear. His shirt was soaked in fresh blood. I undid the shirt quickly and discovered a deep slice across his stomach. I could feel the anger rising in me. "Who did this to you?" I demanded in a low tone.

"Angels," he answered.

By then, Sam was back with a bowl of water and a rag. He handed them to me and looked over my shoulder to the wound on Cas' stomach. "What the hell?"

I didn't think twice about my brother standing behind me. All I knew was that I needed to tend to Cas. I took the rag and dipped it in the water, squeezed out the excess and started wiping his face. I don't know what made me do that. It was obvious that the wound on his stomach was a much more serious matter, but I didn't want to come off as frazzled. I forced myself to smile at him. "It's gonna be alright, Cas. I got you now." I glanced over my shoulder to Sam. "Get some gauze from our emergency kit. We need to stop the bleeding from that wound," I said calmly. Sam went.

"Cas," I said bringing his attention back to me. "You've got a hell of a cut on your stomach. Can't you heal yourself or something?"

"Not … enough … strength. Angel … blade," he answered. He smiled pitifully, but I saw the determination in those bright blue eyes. "Rest."

Those angel blades were nasty weapons, capable of killing an angel easily. Even a cut was enough to open the vessel and let the spirit leak out. It must have taken every ounce of his energy to keep from spilling his soul or his grace, or whatever it was. But if he didn't heal soon, he could very well die.

Sam had the gauze, and together, we managed to get Cas temporarily bandaged up. When we were done, I covered his forehead with my palm. He felt warm, not cold. I guess that was a good thing, at least it was for humans. Cas wasn't human though.

"Isn't there something we can do for him?" Sam asked desperately.

"Not unless you've got another angel on speed dial," I answered. I shook my head. "I don't trust any of them. It was angels that tried to kill him. They found him, Sam, and I'm afraid it was my fault."

"Well, I think he's safe here," was all Sam said in return.

I nodded, but I never took my eyes off Cas. "Yeah, he just needs some rest."

"We'll hold off on the hunt until he's well."

"Good. Thanks." I watched my brother head off to his room. Then I took a seat and stayed at Cas' side as he slept. I wanted to be there in case anything went wrong.

* * *

><p>I couldn't look away from him for a long time, always watching his chest to see that it was rising and falling. It was, but very slow and deep. He laid there so still, it was frightening. My attention switched to his face, and I studied his features. He had long dark lashes and big beautiful blue eyes when they were opened. And his lips were so full and kissable. I wished that he would open his eyes and smile at me, tell me everything was going to be just fine. He would, I reassured myself. He just needed time to heal.<p>

To look at him like this made me contemplate something. Cas was not human. He was an angel, able to heal instantly, able to live forever. And who was I compared to someone like him? I was just a man, and one that I still wasn't sure was worth having the attention and love of a person like Cas. But he wasn't a person, not really. He was so much more important than me, yet here he was.

There were times when he seemed so vulnerable and gullible, so child-like that I just wanted to take him in my arms and protect him from the world. And then, there were times when I witnessed his strength and his wrath, when he outwardly showed his true form, and I knew he did not need me for protection. If anything, it was usually Cas watching over me, merely a mortal man full of guilt and decorated in sin. It confused me sometimes, whatever it was this angel saw in me.

Watching him now, hurt and bleeding, in a deep slumber, he just looked like a man. Well, he was in the vessel of a man anyways, and the real Cas was temporarily logged out to conserve energy and get back on his feet. He was two different entities, I thought. That idea led me to think about this so called vessel that Cas the angel occupied. I had met him once, the real man, Jimmy Novak. Such a peaceful soul he had. He was just your average family guy with a wife and a little girl who loved him. That man, the real one, he would never have seen me as Cas did. It disturbed me a bit to think about that. Jimmy would have been disgusted to know the things I'd done to his body. He was as straight as they came, a family man, a religious man. I assumed his opinion on homosexuality was one of blasphemy. Not that we ever discussed it, but it was just an impression I got. He was a good man, though, and in the end, he gave his life for Castiel. Jimmy Novak sacrificed himself so that an angel could walk the earth in human form. Jimmy's soul had departed long ago, and Cas basically moved in and occupied the vessel all by himself. Cas had told me once what it had been like to share a body with someone. For the most part, Jimmy was at peace, but every once in a while, he would see something through Cas' eyes or hear something through his ears. If it was significant, Jimmy would scream out to be heard. Cas ignored him in times like these, but it hurt nonetheless.

So who or what had I given my heart to, the man or the angel? I could never lay my eyes upon the celestial being. Humans weren't meant to see them or they'd die a horrible eye exploding death, and only a few could hear them without being in agonizing pain. I was not one of them, surprisingly. No, I could only be with Cas while he was in human form, inside Jimmy. I considered that a moment. Had he chosen a less desirable form, would I still have feelings for him? A certain percentage of appeal for someone was visual. It shouldn't matter, but that is just part of being human. For Cas, I knew he saw me beyond skin and bone. He saw my soul, my aura. He was drawn to that before everything else, at least that's what he told me once. But he was not human, and I was.

All these bizarre thoughts were giving me a headache. I didn't want to think about it anymore. I didn't want to remember the family man, Jimmy, who would never accept me or my sexuality. And I didn't want to think about the real Cas who I could never see, touch or hear. Most of all, I didn't want to know what any of this meant for the future. Was this just temporary? I was afraid to consider it for I was in too deep with Cas. Something would work out … I hoped. It had to. And with those lingering thoughts, I fell asleep in the chair beside Cas' sleeping form, dreaming of a normal life once again. Why did it always come to that sort of longing?


	5. Chapter 5 Change of Plans

**Chapter 5 – Change of Plans**

I awoke to the feel of fingers tracing my jaw, and looked up to find Castiel standing before me. His eyes were full of longing and his mouth curved in a slight smile. I blinked the sleep from my eyes. "Cas?"

"Hello Dean," he greeted, same as he did every time.

"What are you doing? You should be resting. You're hurt," I said concerned and tried to get up, but he put his hands on my shoulders to stop me. Then he opened his coat and pulled his shirt away, revealing the bandages.

"I'm better now," he said.

I looked up at his face and noticed that the bruises and cuts were gone. My hands went to the bandages that Sam and I wrapped around his torso, and I slowly took them off. The gauze was thoroughly wet and strong with the scent of blood. I was almost afraid to see what the wound looked like. My hands were shaking as I finished, but Cas' hands covered mine, steadying them with reassurance. I pulled the gauze away and was shocked to find nothing but unmarked flesh. There were blood stains, but no wound. My fingers cautiously touched the place where the knife mark had been, amazed by my findings. Not even a scar, nothing was there. It was like he'd never been in an altercation. I'm not sure why I was so astounded at this. Cas had healed me in the past, and there were times when my face looked like a pound of raw hamburger. I guess I had never seen the healing. I'd only felt it. One moment I was swollen and in pain, and the next it was all gone. But this … this was a deep slash in the flesh, something that would have required a doctor to clean and stitch, and there was no trace of it at all.

"I … I was so worried about you, Cas," I said to him, urgency in my tone. "You were … you were split open just about. And now … I mean, I know you have the power to … but … just … wow." My fingers continued to lightly graze over the place where the slash had been. There was absolutely nothing there, no trace.

"I told you I just needed some rest. There was no need to worry about me," he comforted.

"I always worry. That's what I do. If something were to happen to you, and it was my fault–"

"I'm fine, Dean. It will take much more than a couple amateur angels to kill me." He shucked the trench coat from his shoulders. And then he took off the shirt. He was still a bloody mess, even without the wounds.

"We need to get you cleaned up," I said, and stood from my chair. "Come on. You can use my bathroom. I'll let you borrow some clothes too." I turned to go towards my room, but Cas stopped me with his hand on my arm. When I turned to see why, he captured my lips, kissing me as though it was our last. I gave in easily, and when we separated, I just gazed into his bright eyes. "Not as calm as you think you are, huh?"

His eyes darted away from mine as realization set in. "It … it was close. I didn't think I would make it here at one point."

"Damn it, Cas. This is what scares the hell out of me. Why did they attack you? Was it because of me? Did they hear–"

"They had been tracking me for a while, and they finally cornered me. It wasn't your fault, Dean."

I stared at him, my eyes narrowing on him. "You're a shitty liar, you know that?"

His shoulders slumped and he looked defeated. "Can I just get cleaned up now?"

I took him to my room and he went into the bathroom. While he showered, I got out a pair of pants and a shirt for him to wear. The only thing keeping me calm right then, was knowing that he was safe in the bunker. He was warded against outside threats, at least for now. I couldn't keep him locked in here forever, though.

After a while, Cas came out of the bathroom, wrapped in only a towel, skin still damp, hair dripping with beads of water. He held a second towel in his hand, but he wasn't using it. He just stood there looking through me, through the wall of this place, staring into nothingness. It must have been one hell of a fight. It seemed to rattle him. I went to Cas, took the towel from his hand and patted his shoulders, back and chest, drying him gently. Then I rubbed it over his hair, watching him closely, his face set in stone as he gazed into the distance.

"You ok?" I asked cautiously.

He came back right then, eyes smoldering in stormy shades of blue grey. He brought his hand up, snaking around the back of my neck, and drew me in for a kiss. It was gentle yet the static of urgency flickered below the surface. I knew what he was feeling. I'd felt it myself before. It was the adrenaline that remained after a fight, especially one that brought you close to defeat. It was something ancient, animalistic, like warriors after a battle. Hand to hand combat brought out a man's instincts to survive, to do whatever it took to win. Standing on a precipice between life and death gave men the feeling of invincibility. When he comes close to dying, finds enough strength left in his body to overcome his foe, feels his blade slice through flesh and muscle, taking his enemies life, and walks away victorious, a man is charged with vitality. For that moment, he's an entity of immortality. He has conquered death. It cannot touch him in those seconds after his triumph. That kind of experience stays in the blood, makes it pulse at a quickened pace, fills him with life and need, and it flows to places that need satisfaction. Until he can fulfill what his body demands, it will stay with him, boiling just below the surface. I had been there myself, to that place of no return, and without a way to relieve the burning desire, it sometimes felt like it would consume me. That's what I saw in Castiel's eyes and felt in his kiss. He was the soldier victorious, and he needed to alleviate this burden of the bloodlust.

"Come here," I demanded in a whisper, walking backwards towards my bed. Cas followed. "What are you feeling right now?"

"I … I don't know, but it is intoxicating," he said, amazed. "I don't understand. I've been in far worse situations than this, and I've never felt so … charged."

"What were you thinking as you fought with those angels?" I asked, trying to draw the answer from him.

"I just knew I had to survive."

"Why, Cas? Why was it so important this time?"

I saw the answer come to him as he gazed upon me. "It … it was you," he whispered in astonishment. "All I could think was that I had to come back to you. I needed to because I promised I would."

That was the difference this time. It was us. It was our relationship. "And that's why I'll always be here, Cas."

He pulled me to him and our foreheads rested upon each other. "They know, Dean. They know about us. I've been summoned back to heaven to stand for my crimes. That's what those angels wanted with me."

"So now it's a crime to admit you love someone?" I said with anger tinging my words.

"No, but a human and an angel … well, that's … what do you call it?"

"Taboo," I answered.

"Yes. It's been proscribed as improper behavior, prohibited."

"And what is your opinion?" I wondered. My hand found the edge of his towel and pulled it off, letting it pool on the floor.

Cas smiled and moved until our lips were just a hair's width apart. "I've defied heaven before. No use obeying now, is there?"

I kissed him roughly, our teeth clicking, pinching my lip. I didn't care. I'd never wanted anyone as much as I wanted Cas in that moment. His fingers were fumbling with my clothes, trying desperately to undress me. I helped him so he wouldn't have to do it all. He was focused on his mission, but he still looked befuddled about his urgent tendencies.

"You're overthinking it. Stop. Let that urgency inside overcome you. Remember what it felt like to fight for your life, to be so close to the ledge and pull yourself back? Feel it again." I could see the lust building in his eyes as I talked. He remembered it all. I ran my fingers through his hair, taking a fistful and pulling him to me.

Something changed in the room, and for the first time, I could tell that Cas was not second-guessing himself. He was not choosing whether to tap into the angel or the human he possessed. He became both. The transformation was happening before me. Cas' eyes weren't just blue. They glowed like two sapphires, but not so bright that I couldn't look into them. But there was still a lingering sense of hesitation.

"Come Castiel," I whispered, knowing that he liked it when I said his full name. "I know what you want."

"But … but I haven't … I've never–"

I knew what he was saying. Up until now, Cas had always been the sheath. He'd never been the sabre. I took him, solid and rigid in my hand and stroked fervently. "This is your weapon now, and I would die a thousand deaths by it. Master me, Castiel. Release this pent up desire upon me. You're alive, and you'll live to fight another day because you are strong."

"No," he responded. "Because I love you." With that he spun me around and pushed me onto the bed. I fell flat and he covered me immediately, kissing me along my spine, up to my shoulder blade. I felt his hands roaming over my body, setting me aflame. "Tell me what to do."

"You already know."

"But I … don't want to hurt you."

"You won't. You can't. Cas, you might be an angel, but you're half human, maybe more than that. Trust your body. Trust your instincts."

He prepared us, and settled onto me. I offered myself to him, feeling his hands move along my thighs, my ass. Then he pushed into me, slowly, fearfully. "That's good. Keep going," I encouraged. He did.

"Oh, Dean," he moaned.

"That's it, baby. Let it all go. Don't hold anything back," I whispered. He pulled back slightly and without warning, thrust in hard and deep, filling, stretching. His rhythm increased until he was pounding me, lost to the bloodlust, his only goal … to satisfy the need. I heard the high pitched squeal of his ethereal voice start to pierce my ears. He was giving in to his angelic tendencies. He always did when it became too much to handle. "Castiel?" I started to plead.

"It's alright, Dean," he said breathlessly. His strength took me by surprise as he grasped my hips and pulled me up from the bed. I kept my head down, knowing what would come next, and buried my face in the sheets. My whole body became warm, like standing in front of a roaring fireplace. I felt myself build with every thrust, felt him pulsating as he approached completion. He shifted, coming up on one knee, adjusting our position for better penetration. Then he pushed deep, and touched me in a place that made my whole world brilliantly bright. I closed my eyes, felt Cas' whole body still and stiffen, holding himself there, and warmth purled within me as he released a guttural moan. He collapsed onto my back and we sank into the mattress. The sheets felt rough on my sensitive cock. My whole body was alive and pulsating, tingling with sensations. And from over my shoulder, I could see the blue glow of Castiel's eyes. He had controlled it this time. There was no blinding flash of light, no lightning strike, no sense of electricity like there usually was.

His teeth playfully sunk into the soft part of my shoulder, and he moaned most deliciously. I could feel his mouth smile upon my skin, and I turned my head to the side, smiling in return. "Guess you're back one hundred percent," I jested.

"I told you I was fine." He laid gentle kisses along the side of my neck, and at the back of my ear. "That … was … incredible," he laughed, drunk on euphoria. I loved the sound of it. "I never knew it could be like that. Was it like that for you too?" He shifted and I rolled onto my back so that we were face to face.

My fingers moved through his hair, and I noticed that his eyes were their normal human blue again. I smiled and kissed him quickly. "This time was all about you."

His brows creased in concern. "No. I don't want to take all the pleasure and give you none. That's not fair to you."

"It's alright, Cas," I comforted. "There will be plenty of other times." I wasn't disappointed in the least. This was his first time in the dominant role. It was enough just to witness his ecstasy, but the look on his face said otherwise.

"This just won't do, Dean." He moved down along my body, and I watched him kiss and nip at my skin. I felt myself come to life with the anticipation of what he was about to do. His tongue flicked along my length, and then traveled solid and flat along the underside. He teased with his lips, and when I didn't think I could take much more, he swallowed me down to the hilt.

"Son of a bitch," I moaned slowly, unable to control my hips from gyrating. As I lifted myself from the bed, he cupped his hands on my ass, fingers digging into flesh, kneading, spreading. Now he was my master. I was completely under his spell. I'd do anything he told me to. "Oh yeah … Cas … baby … do it."

He quickened his pace, lips sliding, tongue caressing, circling, teasing. My hips bucked upward, and I pulsed within the warmth of his mouth. Cas stilled, holding me, tongue still urging me on until I spilled. He moaned as I came, sending vibrations through my body. When it was over, he came up next to me, head on my chest, fingers circling my naval. I laid there with my eyes closed and caught my breath.

"Damn, Cas, where'd you learn to do that?"

"Remember a while back when you and Sam let me stay with you in the hotel, but you both had to leave? You told me to stay in the room, and then you showed me how to use the remote for the television. There was that special button you warned me about. You told me not to push that button. Well, I got bored and you told me not to, and–"

"You watched hotel porn?" I said with a laugh.

"Well, it was a woman named Stacy and a plumber named Chip. He was under the sink repairing a leaky pipe when she pulled his pants off and did something similar to what I just did to you," he said honestly. "I figured if she could do it then so could I."

"Well, thank you Stacy," I said with a smile. Then I thought about the incident Cas was talking about. "I remember that time. I argued with management about that charge. I know I didn't order that channel, and I thought they made a mistake. They must have thought I was a real douche."

"Dean," he said, his tone changing to something more serious.

"Yeah, Cas?"

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to go away for a while."

I hoped he wouldn't say that, but I had a feeling this was coming. "Where to?"

"I don't know, but I can't stay here. They're looking for me, and this will be one of the places they'll monitor heavily. I won't put you and Sam at risk."

"But you're safe here, well-guarded against the outside. They can't get in here," I argued.

"And I can't get out. I'm trapped no matter what I do."

"Trapped here … with me … doesn't sound so bad."

"But out there I'm more efficient. I can't stay on the run like this."

He had a point. As long as he ran and hid from those who wanted to take him back home to stand trial, he couldn't do anything to prevent it from happening. "Do you have an argument?"

"Well, I can blame the fact that I was put on this mission in the first place with their intension of seeing me fail, and I proved them all wrong. Not all angels want to see me incarcerated. Some see me as a hero for saving you. I can only hope that they'll see past everything else. And then there's the fact that I've been on earth long enough that I've started to feel things that humans feel, like love."

"Being down here has really affected you, hasn't it? I mean, you are very different than you were when we first met. You were like a robot then, stiff and mechanical in everything you did. You're more independent now," I said.

"I'm actually … glad to hear you say this," he admitted. "I felt like an automaton at times. Maybe it's because I was scared. I'd never been to earth before, and I'd always been told what to do."

"You started using your brain … making your own choices. There's no reason that you cannot keep doing that now, Cas. You can't let the bigwigs tell you what to do and how to do it. That would be a step in the wrong direction."

"I know," he answered in agreement. "I feel that way also. I've learned so much, especially from you, Dean."

I kissed his forehead and gave him a reassuring smile. "We'll figure something out. I won't let them hurt you." I kissed him again. "You're mine now, Castiel. They can't have you."

* * *

><p>By the time I awoke the next morning, Cas was already gone. I had to hope that he'd stay safe and come back to me as soon as possible. In the meantime, Sam and I had a nest of vamps to destroy.<p>

I made myself a cup of coffee and started going over maps again. Sam came out of his room, hair all messy, wearing his pajama pants and t-shirt, stumbling around half asleep. He blinked and looked at the sofa where he'd last seen Cas. "How is he?" he asked.

"Gone," I said, not realizing how that came out. Sam was instantly awake. I laughed. "No, not that kind of gone. I mean, he left."

"He left?" Sam said, stumbling to the coffee maker and pouring himself a cup. "But he looked half dead last night."

"Yeah, well, he found enough mojo to heal himself and then he split."

"So what happened to him? Did he tell you anything?" Sam asked, taking a sip of coffee and jerking backwards when it burned his lip.

"He's being hunted … by angels. They want to bring him back to heaven," I said. I didn't want Sam to know the real reason why.

"So they tried to kill him? That makes no sense."

"They just roughed him up, tried to scare him into going with them," I answered.

Sam's concern seemed a bit forced for some reason. I supposed it was because he was trying too hard. I knew he liked Cas, but things were different now that he knew about us. He was having a hard time accepting things. "Dean, what's going on? What did he tell you?"

"He's defied them one too many times. He's been on earth too long. He's gone rogue. I don't know. He didn't go into any specifics," I said with irritation. I felt like I was on trial all of a sudden.

Sam cocked his head to the side and gave me an accusatory look. "Maybe it has something to do with you … and him?"

Damn it. "No, Sammy, it doesn't," I said hotly. "He's got a handle on things. He left to go figure out how to make things right. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve. Don't worry about Cas. Now, we've got a nest to burn. Where do you want to start looking? I was thinking about this area here," I said, pointing to the map before me.

Sam walked over and set his mug down. "I was thinking the same. There could be some caves in that area, and over here," he pointed to another place on the map. "This could be a possible location. I'm pretty sure there's an old mine over here."

"Yeah … yeah, sounds good. When do you want to head over there?"

"Soon. We'll scope the place out first, make sure they're there and all." Sam paused. I could feel tension creeping back into the room again. "Dean, listen," he started. "I know what you said about Cas is something you feel strongly about. And I'm adamant with my disagreement. All that aside, you are my brother, and you come first. That includes hunts or missions or whatever other kind of situation we find ourselves in. If it comes down to you or Cas, I'm always going to choose my brother."

I thought it was odd that he brought this up now, but I guess it was his way of trying to make things right between us. "I got it, Sammy," I told him, but there was something in his eyes, something I couldn't quite put my finger on. I almost thought he looked nervous, but that wasn't the right emotion. I'd have to figure it out later. Right now, my mind was focused on this next hunt. It involved vamps, and that was still a touchy subject for me.

* * *

><p>A few days later, I came back from a stakeout with a solid idea of where the nest was. There was an old abandoned mine, just like Sam thought, but I'd seen vamps going in and out of an empty coal processing plant right next to the mine. It was possible they were using the mine too, but I was pretty sure they were living in the plant. We needed to move quickly though, so I opted for doing the job tonight.<p>

Sam agreed, but was acting strange. I didn't know what it was, but he was unnaturally apprehensive. After I told him about my findings, I approached him about it. "Something happen while I was gone?"

"No, why would you say that?"

Yep, I thought, something happened. "I don't know. Maybe because you're acting like a spooked cat. What the hell's going on, Sam?"

I watched him regain his composure and straighten up. "I just got thinking about the hunt and all."

"Yeah … and?"

"Well, they're vamps … and you don't have the best history in that department."

My hands balled into fists, and I got right up close to him. "You saying you don't think I can do this job?" I accused.

"I'm saying, what happens if you freeze up or something?"

"I'm not going to freeze up. Jeez, Sam, what's with you all of a sudden?"

"I'm just concerned." He was lying, I could tell.

"We've hunted vamps before. Why should this time be any different?"

"This is the biggest nest we've gone after since … well … you know, since back then … with Aiden."

I rolled my eyes and turned away from him. "That was a long time ago. It was awful and it fucked with my head afterwards, but it doesn't affect me now. I'll be fine, if that's what you're worried about, but I don't need you weirding out. I should never have told you about that stuff." I mumbled the last part to myself, but I was sure Sam heard me.

"Alright, I trust your judgment," he agreed. "But if something goes wrong–"

"Nothing is going to go wrong. We'll get in and get out, and burn that fucker down," I argued. I turned back to him, searching his face for answers for this sudden apprehensiveness. "Is this about Cas?"

"What? No," he flat out objected.

"It'd have to be pretty well fucked up situation to call on him for help. I'm not in the habit of letting him fight my fights." I shook my head at my brother's sudden judgment of me. "Why are we even having this conversation? Are you still all freaked out about me and Cas? 'Cause if you are then you need to get over it." With that said, I stormed out of there and headed for the car. A few minutes later, Sam followed, and got into the car without a word. I glared at him from the driver's seat, but he wouldn't look at me. What the hell was he avoiding?

* * *

><p>I turned off the main road and followed the dirt path that led back to the mine location. I'd been here before, and knew to cut the motor and let the car coast down the gravel road until we were close enough to our destination, but not too close to be detected. I threw the gear into park and started to get out when Sam stopped me by grabbing my arm.<p>

"Shit, I can't do this," he blurted out.

"What, the job? Because if that's the case, I have no problem–"

"No, Dean, not the job. It's … just … we need to talk."

"Now?" Of course he needed to talk. If there was one thing I knew about my brother, it was that he had bad timing. "What the hell, Sam?"

"I wasn't supposed to say anything. They said they'd hurt you if I did," he said.

"Who? Sam, what are you talking about?"

He was silent a moment, and then he took a deep breath before answering me. I knew I wasn't going to like whatever it was he had to say.

"You were gone. You know, after our last fight. And I was heading out to the store when they jumped me."

"Who?" I asked.

"Angels … the ones that got to Cas."

I felt my gut wrench and my heart race. I really didn't like this conversation. "What happened, Sammy?"

"They … they grabbed me and knocked me out or something. Next thing I knew, I was in some place dark, tied to a chair and alone. I didn't know where the hell I was or what had happened. Then these two guys in black suits came in … started asking me all kinds of questions about you … about Cas. I didn't know who they were or what they wanted with you, so I refused to answer any of their questions. For all I knew, they might have been demons. Anyways, they eventually told me they were angels, and they were looking for Castiel."

"What'd you tell them?" I said, anger starting to penetrate through my voice.

"I didn't tell them anything. Shit, Dean, I saw what they did to him." He hung his head at that point, and I knew there was something more he wasn't telling me. I waited for him to regain his composure. "I didn't tell them anything … and they started beating the crap out of me. I kept my mouth shut and took it … until they started threatening your life. They said they knew where you were … said they could get to you fast, take you out before you knew what was happening. I didn't even know where you were at that point."

As it turned out, these two angel mobsters, as I referred to them, really fucked Sammy up, beat him until his eyes were so swollen he couldn't see, broke his nose, loosened his jaw, turned his face into a bloody mess, punched him in the stomach, probably cracked a few ribs too. Sam told them repeatedly that he had no idea where Cas was, and that was the truth. Then they started saying that I probably knew where to find him, and if I knew, then Sam must have known too. I knew where Cas was, because he was with me, shacked up in a motel somewhere, protected by symbols that I'd drawn on the windows and doors. After Sam found out about us, Cas refused to come to the bunker anymore, worried about me and Sam. He'd warned me that he was being followed, but he performed some kind of hocus pocus angel stuff to scramble his radar. By the time these headhunters got a signal, Cas was already gone to another location.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, concerned for my brother, scared of what he might have done, worried for Cas' safety. "You've kept this news to yourself all this time?"

"I had to. They said they'd kill you." Sam paused and looked out through the windshield. "I held out as long as I could, but when they threatened you … and after what they'd done to me … I knew they were serious with their threats. I told them again that I didn't know where Cas was, but that there might be a way to draw him out." Now he turned away from me so I couldn't see his face. "I told them about this job, where it was and what we were hunting. I told them that I'd convince you to summon Cas, then they'd have him, and you'd be safe." He slowly moved until we were eye to eye, and I could see the regret he wore on his face. "They're here for Cas, but if I don't hold up my end of the bargain, they're gonna kill you."

I didn't say anything right away. I was still trying to process the information. "So you sold out Cas to save my hide, is that it?"

"What else was I going to do? They're angels, Dean. They can swoop in and smite you before you know what's happening. I told you before, when push comes to shove, I'd stand for my brother before anyone else."

"Why are you telling me this now? We're here," I said, gesturing to the surrounding area with my hands. "All you had to do was talk me into calling Cas."

"Because . . ." He broke off a moment. "As much as I dislike what's been going on between you and him, I … well, I can't help but notice how you've changed. I think he might be … good for you … in some weird way."

"He is good for me, Sam. You'll never know what all he's done. I was at the lowest place in my life, a place where no light could have penetrated the darkness in my heart. And then suddenly, there he was, and he helped me find my way back to the light."

"And that's why I'm telling you about this now. Whatever you do, whatever happens in there," he said, pointing towards the abandoned mill. "You cannot call on Cas. Those angels are probably here already, waiting."

"Thanks for the warning," I said, and shook my head. "But it doesn't work that way."

"What do you mean?"

"I thought I had to call on Cas in order for him to come to me, but recently I've discovered that's not true. He can sense me, Sam. He can tell when I'm in distress and show up purely out of concern. He knows about the job. He knows about the size of the nest. He knows how much I hate vamps and why. I'm not going to be able to keep him away, should something happen to me in there."

"Then we'll just have to make sure nothing happens," Sam said with confidence.

"Easier said than done," I mumbled. We grew silent for a while, and I began to think of what he said about being captured and beaten. I decided to ask him. "If you were turned to hamburger by those psychotic angels, how come I never saw you with cuts and bruises on your face?"

"Once they were satisfied with my proposal, they healed me and told me to keep quiet."

That made sense. The angels wouldn't have sent Sam home looking like a well-worn punching bag. "So what's the plan?" I asked. This had become more than just another hunting job.

"We go in, stay low and silent, take out as many as we can until we find the nest's leader, take him down and get the hell out," Sam said. It sounded easy, but nothing in this business was simple.

"That'll work with the vamps, but what about the angels?" If I didn't call on Cas, these guys were going to come looking for me.

"You said Cas could confuse them, right?"

"Yeah, but only for a moment or two before they catch on."

"It might just be long enough to warn Cas. He's got his angel blade, and he's the best and fastest with his draw," Sam said. "Once the nest is taken care of, all we'll have to do is worry about these two angels. We'll be ready for them."

"We won't have much of a leeway, but it just might work." It would have to work. I wouldn't let anyone have Cas, and if these angels thought they were going to capture him and take him back to stand some kind of punishment for loving me, they had another thing coming.


	6. Chapter 6 Unlikely Ally

**Chapter 6 – Unlikely Ally**

Sam and I took what weapons we needed, but with vamps, it was mainly a really sharp blade. We quietly and cautiously made our way to the abandoned mining mill and found a way in. Right away, we came upon a couple look-outs, snuck up behind them and took them out. Then we dragged the bodies out of plain sight so as not to raise suspicions. We had to move fast, but not too quickly that we made mistakes. After making it past the first vamps, things grew unusually quiet. Sam and I decided to split up and check rooms on either side of this hallway we went down. There was no one around. The rooms were empty. They didn't even looked like they'd recently been used. Sam and I met back in the hall.

"Nothing," he whispered.

"I don't like it one bit," I complained, my eyes trained on the dark hall before me. "Something's not right."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Sam said, still walking cautiously down the corridor.

"Where do you think they're all at?" I wondered aloud.

"Not here. I don't know where they are. Could be a trap."

"It's always a trap," I complained, more to myself than to Sammy. "Alright, here's what we're gonna–"

There was the sound of scuffling up ahead. It was too loud to be a rat. There was someone in the darkness. Sam and I went back into silent mode, and I gestured for him to move ahead and duck into the next room. I took the one on the right, opposite of Sam, and hid behind the door. Someone was coming our way. We'd wait until they passed our position, and then we would take them out before they could raise the alarm.

Suddenly, the door, which I left barely cracked open, slammed shut. I heard the door across the hall shut and lock in the same fashion as mine. Shit, they knew we were here, but how? I tried the doorknob, but it was no use. It was locked.

"Sam!" I called out. No use being silent if they knew we were here and had us trapped.

"My door's locked," Sam called back.

"So is mine," I answered. When I got out of here, I was going to slice the head off of the asshole who locked me up.

I looked around the room. It was very dimly lit and difficult to see anything, but there had to be another way out. Then I spotted a vent near the ceiling. It was too small to try to climb into.

"Got anything, Sam?" I called out.

"It's dark in here. No doors or windows though. What about you?"

"More of the same. Nothing." I quieted and strained my ears when I heard something coming from the vent. It was a hissing noise. At first I thought it was air pushing in through the metal louvers, but then I smelled something sweetly foul and began to get lightheaded. "Sammy!" I yelled.

"They're gassing us," he called back, before I could warn him. He was getting the same thing in his room.

"Cover your mouth, Sam. Try to avoid it." I took off my jacket and balled it up, holding it over my mouth and nose, but it was too late. My body was turning to rubber. I fell to my knees and strained to stay conscious. Then I heard the faint sound of a body collapsing to the floor. Sam must have been too late to try anything. My eyelids became heavy, as though they were made of lead and wouldn't stay open. What the hell was this? I wondered. Why would they trap us and then knock us out? And how did they know we were here? Whatever was happening, it all stemmed back to Sam and those fucking angels. My last thought before everything faded to nothingness was that I hoped I passed out before Cas sensed anything.

* * *

><p>I had no idea how long I'd been out, but when I woke up, I was no longer in that room. It was extremely dark, though, and I smelled the dampness of earth. All I could figure was that I was in the mine, no longer in the mill. Was this how they got rid of the homeless people? Drag them off to this secluded spot, knock them out, and then use them as they needed them until they ran dry. Then they'd probably burn the bodies, and no one would ever hear from the poor suckers again. Well, there's one thing they didn't account for. I wasn't some homeless hobo who couldn't defend himself. That being said, I no longer had my knife or any other weapon I'd brought with me, and my hands were tied behind my back. I was sitting on the floor, though my ankles were bound too. I couldn't get up without the use of my hands.<p>

"Sam!" I called out in a loud whisper. I heard a moan. It was Sam alright. "Sam, wake up!"

"Dean?" He made a rustling sound, obviously discovering all the same things I'd just figured out for myself. "What the fu–"

"They got us tied up. No use fighting it." Despite my own advice, I strained against my binds. "I guess it's safe to assume you don't have any weapons either?"

"Yeah," he grunted, still trying his best to get free. "Can you see anything?"

"Nothing. It's as black as pitch in here." That's when there was the sound of a match strike and the offending glow of fire. "Who the hell's there?" I demanded.

He was tall, wearing black jeans and a green flannel shirt. His hair was down to his shoulders, messy and greasy looking. When he smiled, I saw fangs retract back into his gums. He didn't say anything, and he left through a doorway, like a creature living under a rock. My eyes adjusted to the light, and I saw a lantern sitting on an old barrel. I just hoped there weren't explosives inside, and had a vision of the wild west, dynamite and bank robbers. This was a very old mine apparently.

"Where are you, Sam?"

"Over here," my brother called. I couldn't see him very well. There was a stack of what looked like sand bags between us, but I could see his boots.

"You alright?" I asked.

"Yeah. You?"

"Just peachy."

"We gotta get out of here, Dean."

Yeah, I knew that. It was kind of my first priority, but I couldn't find anything that might help me get out of these ropes. Then I heard footsteps coming towards the door where the dirty lumberjack just exited from, and in walked three people. One was the same guy, the other was a new guy, wearing khakis and a black shirt, short red hair and beard, and fangs as well. The third vamp in their party was a woman, about middle age, but she seemed to have kept her youth and beauty about her. She had very long sable hair, fine ivory skin, not a blemish or wrinkle. She wore tight leather pants and boots, a low cut red halter top and leather jacket. She was actually quite beautiful, but I knew that was only on the outside. No doubt she was a vamp too.

"Well, well, what do we have here?" she said with enthusiasm. "A pair of young hunters, it seems, and very handsome too."

"Who the hell are you?" Sam said angrily.

"All in due time, sexy," she cooed. "Now, I can't help but see a resemblance. You are brothers I believe."

"We're gonna kick your ass, bitch," I called out to gain her attention. I didn't like the way she was looking at Sam, as though he was going to be her first victim. It worked, and she walked over to me.

"Aren't you a feisty one? I like that in my meal … I mean, my men." She crouched down so we were eye level, and she licked her lips, lust in her eyes … lust for my blood that is. "You're almost too pretty to ruin, but I bet you taste divine." She stood back up and looked at the ginger goon. "What do you think, Kyle? Should we drain him, or turn him?"

Kyle gave me the evil eye stare. "That one's trouble, and always will be."

The woman sized me up again. "Yes, I can see that for myself. Still, there's something tempting about a badass." She walked around me in a tight circle. I felt the leather of her boot scrape against my arm, like a shark brushing past its prey. "Perhaps you're right, Kyle. This one will always be trouble, even if I turn him." She left me and went to the opposite side of the sand bags. "This one, however, will submit, and I do love a submissive man. Plus, he's huge. I'm talking about his height of course, but I can only guess that the equipment matches the rest of him."

"Get away from my brother," I said. I had to find a way to buy some time. "You want to mess with someone, you mess with me."

"Dean, no," Sam warned, and it triggered something in the woman. She came back to me with a slow tread, carefully putting one foot in front of the other, prowling.

"Dean," she said, drawing out my name. "Hmm." She stood there a moment, contemplating something, eyes narrowed on me. Sudden realization came to her. I wasn't sure what she was doing or thinking, but I didn't like it. She turned to her guards, and with anger in her voice, gave a command. "Come with me." All three left the room.

"What the hell was that about?" Sam asked from across the way.

"I have no idea, but I think she's heard of us. Maybe she knows we've been hunting her nest, or that we've been investigating the missing homeless. We have to get free, Sam. There's no time to waste." As I spoke, I kept myself as calm as possible, worried that any second, Cas was going to sense my distress and materialize. I couldn't let that happen. "You got anything over there that might rub through these robes?"

"There's nothing. I've looked. The room's clean except for these bags," Sam said.

Well, there was sand. That was our only weapon at the moment. Maybe we could get a bag open, and when the vamps came back, kick sand into their eyes, knock their feet out from under them while they were preoccupied and find a knife or something useful on them. It seemed far-fetched, but it was all I had. I told Sam my plan, but he seemed to only humor me.

"Maybe now is the time to execute our original plot with Cas," Sam suggested.

"That might work if we weren't tied up, but the extra time it will take him to get us free won't leave him enough time to shoot out of here before those angels pinpoint his location. I won't do it, Sam. I won't risk his safety."

There was some kind of commotion coming from outside the door. I heard raised voices, one sounding like the woman. She seemed angry, and after the look she gave me, I had a feeling it had to do with me and Sam. She must have figured out who we were. Shit, this would only escalate her decision to get rid of us. She yelled again, telling someone to hurry, and then there was the sound of glass breaking. Whatever was going on, they weren't being slow about it.

After a while, the two goons came back in. The one with the red hair came to me, glaring. "Miss me, sweetie?" I said arrogantly. Then he grabbed my arm, and started dragging me off towards the door. I struggled and tried to do something to knock him to the ground, but he was ready for me, and with my feet tied, I was very limited to my movements. I heard Sam struggling too, and got a brief glance of the other guy dragging him behind me. They dumped us both in another room, a much bigger area, still dark and dank, but I could see light filtering in somewhere on the other side. We must be close to the entrance to the mines, I thought. That was at least something. If we could get free, we could get out of here fast.

I was laying on my side, feet bound, hands tied behind my back. I wiggled and twisted until I could see Sam. "You alright?"

"Yeah," he said, keeping his eye on our captors. Both were walking around Sam where he laid on the floor. Suddenly, the one in the green shirt kicked my brother in the gut, a sick smile spreading across his ugly mug. Sam curled into a fetal position. Then the other guy, with the red hair, kicked him in the back, close to the kidneys. Sam reversed positions, back arched, pain obvious on his face.

"Hey!" I screamed. "You got a problem, you take it out on me!"

They both looked at me, bearing their fangs and hissed, before they each took a turn kicking my brother again. Sam kept silent, not willing to give them the satisfaction of hearing him cry out with pain.

"Get away from him!" I yelled, but they ignored me.

Finally, the woman came into the room, but she just watched these assholes as they continued to beat on my brother. I couldn't take much more, and I knew Sam, even though he could handle more than his share of pain, wasn't going to hold out much longer.

"What do you want?" I said, referring to the woman. She put her hand up, and the two guys stopped mid-kick and stepped to the side. Then she slowly walked over to me, eyes boring into my soul.

"Are you Dean … Winchester?" she asked, as though my name burned her tongue.

"And what's it to you, bitch?" I said in a snarky reply. "You got a problem? Then take it out on me, and leave my brother out of it."

"I'm afraid that won't do. You see, I need might need him," she answered.

"For what?"

"That depends on your compliance," she said in a smooth and even tone. "I need you to do something for me. It's quite an easy task. And it will only take a moment of your time."

I had no response to that, and scowled at her from my place on the floor. I could feel my anger rising, and unconsciously tugged on the rope binding my hands.

"Let me make myself perfectly clear. You will do as I say, or your brother will take the punishment," she said, no longer playing the polite role.

"Whatever she wants, don't do it Dean," Sam called to me. I knew he wasn't done yet. Sam was strong. He could take more, but that didn't mean I wanted to see him suffer through any more punches.

"You know who I am," I said to her. "So how about a name, sweetheart."

She smiled deviously. "You'll learn that soon enough."

"Well, I'm not going to negotiate lying down. Have one of your bruisers help me up first," I told her. She nodded to the ginger thug, and he came over, grabbed my arm and started to pull me up. I swung my legs out and knocked him down. Then I brought my heels down on his face, hoping the thick heels of my boots would cave in his skull.

"Reid!" I heard her shout, calling to the other man. He marched over and kicked me thoroughly in the groin. All I saw were stars bursting like a child's sparkler on the Forth of July. He kicked me again in the ribs, this time for good measure, but I was paralyzed with the numbing effect of having my balls flattened between my pelvic bone and the steel toe of his shoe. I made a mental note to get a pair of those, if I ever made it out of here alive … the shoes, not balls.

"Get him to the chair," the woman demanded. Both men left me lying in a heap on the floor. Guess I wasn't going to sit up after all, and my plan failed. There was nothing I could do as long as my hands were tied. With bursts of light still going off behind my eyes, I watched as they dragged Sam across the floor, and lifted him into a chair, pushing him down hard.

"Now, maybe you'll listen to me," said the woman, walking around Sam like a cat toying with its catch.

"What do you want," I asked reluctantly.

"I want you to call on the angel," she said.

I was shocked by her command. How did she know about Cas? But I kept my composure. "I don't know who you're talking about."

"Don't play dumb with me. You will summon the angel, Castiel, or your brother will get more sweet caresses by Reid." She went to Sam and took his face in her hand, squeezing hard. "And he's been gentle so far."

"What do you know about him?" I challenged.

She laughed and it made me sick to my stomach. "I know that he's wanted back upstairs, but he's managed to remain aloof, and that you are the only one who he'll come to. He's a good little puppy, isn't he? Always _comes_ for his master." I could hear the innuendo in her tone. Somehow, she'd figured out my secret.

"You'll have to kill me, because I won't do it." I was sure this was a trap, that the angels hunting Cas had been here already, and that they were using the vamps to help them accomplish their goal of capturing Cas.

"Oh my, no. I wouldn't think of killing you. We need you. However, your brother is expendable." She cocked her head to the side in a gesture, and Reid punched Sam in the jaw, making his head snap to the side. I saw blood fly from his mouth on impact. These assholes meant business.

"Leave him alone!" I yelled.

"Tell the angel to come," she answered.

"No!" I said.

"Reid."

Reid punched Sam on the other side, but my brother slowly lifted his head, smiled a bloody grin and spit in his face. That only pissed him off, and Reid proceeded to punch Sam in the stomach, knocking the wind from his lungs. With his hands tied behind his back, my brother had no way of protecting himself against the blows.

"We can end this, Dean," she said. "Just call on Castiel."

"Don't … do it … Dean," Sam wheezed from his seat. He lifted his head and looked me straight in the eye. "Don't."

It was at that very moment that I saw Sam put his love for me over his negative opinions about me and Cas. I remembered what he told me in the car, that he'd seen a change in me since Cas and I had been together. He was just starting to accept it when all of this happened. Now he was making the decision to put Cas' safety over his own, but I wasn't sure I could do that, and I was finding myself forced into having to choose between Sam and Cas. A part of me still held out hope that we could get out of this mess on our own. I looked at the woman with hatred and forced my answer to her demand. "No, I'll not call him."

Reid started beating Sam again, and every blow was killing me inside. I didn't know how much more of this I could take, but I could see the woman was getting impatient with everything. Then she went up to Reid and pushed him out of the way. She turned her head towards me and smiled, fangs extending down from her gums. Sam was out of it. The last punch knocked him out cold. "Obviously you don't care if your brother dies, but let's find out what you think about him joining our little family here. One bite and he's infected. All he'll need to do is feed, and it will be your blood he tastes first … your blood that will turn him."

"No," I cried out desperately.

"His first meal should be grade A prime, don't you think? What's wrong Dean? Having a little déjà vu moment?" she taunted.

It must have been the look on my face that tipped her off. As a matter of fact, I was reminded of a moment in my youth, one that I hoped I'd never have to revisit, but one that snuck up on me in my dreams from time to time. It was the moment that Aiden was bitten by Riley. I was meant to be Aiden's first feed back then, but I managed to get away. I killed Riley, and eventually had to kill Aiden, a dark moment in my life that I would never be rid of.

I started to see the similarities between then and now. Both times I had been the bait. Both times I was meant to be responsible for turning the person who meant most to me. First it was Aiden, my first love. Now it was going to be my brother. I looked at the woman vamp, revenge ringed around her cruel eyes … anger and pain shaping her face. Something seemed suddenly familiar, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

"Ah, yes, you are starting to figure it out," she said with satisfaction. "That day in the silk mill."

I was absolutely stunned that she knew about it. "Wh-what?"

"I wish you could see the look on your face. Yes, I know about it, because it was my son's head you cut off that day."

Riley … Aiden's lover before me, the boy whose own mother used him to feed on, then turned him. Aiden had spent all his time and energy trying to find out what happened to Riley after he disappeared. When he finally found him, Riley was a vamp. He'd left his mother's nest and struck out on a life of solitude, until one day when Aiden and I caught up to him. Aiden left me in the middle of the night to confront Riley, but instead, he gave himself over to the darkness to be with his old flame once more. By the time I'd found them, Aiden was infected, and Riley captured me. He wanted me out of the way and was going to use me to turn Aiden, but I got away. While I fought with Riley, Aiden's hunger became too strong, and he found a secondary victim in the old silk mill. Meanwhile, I bested my foe by decapitation, only to find Aiden was a full-fledged vamp, and as he tried to convince me to join him in immortality, I ended his short life, and destroyed my soul. And now, this woman before me … she had been a link in that chain of events, the one that led me to a place in hell, bound by even more heavy chains of guilt and worthlessness. "You … you're–"

"That's right. The name's Alice, and I am Riley's mother," she confessed, finally revealing her identity.

"But we burned that nest … Aiden and I. I thought–"

"Thought I died in the fire, didn't you? You and that other boy, out of your league hunting vampires at such a young age. I lost a lot of good people that day. And that … that boy … Aiden, the one who stole my son's heart, he was only out for revenge because I brought Riley into his true form. If not for me, he would never have known what it was like to truly live."

"You used your son to keep yourself alive, and then you turned him, but he never stopped loving Aiden, did he? He left you and the nest, struck out on his own to find his love, but it was too late by then. Aiden was with me. He loved me."

Her eyes narrowed on me. "I blame both you and Aiden for Riley's death, but it was you who made the fatal blow. Do you know how long I've waited for this moment, to finally have the one responsible for my loss, tied up and helpless? And now I've got your brother, who will make you suffer once I turn him. I cannot wait for you to die by the hands of the one you would lay your life down for. You took my son from me, and now I will take your brother into the realm of the undead."

"Seems to me, you've lost your bargaining tool," I told her. "Whether I call Castiel or not, you're going to kill me."

"This is true, but you'll die knowing your brother has become one of the creatures that you so diligently hunt. Call the angel, and I'll make sure Sam rests in peace right beside you."

Was this a bluff? I wondered. And what kind of deal did these vamps strike up with the angels. Then I realized that I was the deal breaker. I was the trade, the hunter that killed her son for the runaway angel. "You know, that deal you made with the angels? They're not going to let you live. They'll come, take Cas, and then they'll bring down every rock in this mine."

"Don't you think I considered that already?" she questioned in an irritated tone. "That's why I took measures to make sure that won't happen." She took Sam's head and tilted it to expose his neck. "Call the angel or I bite your brother."

I watched her lower her face to his neck. Could I let her turn him? Could I let her kill me, and know that Sam would forever walk this earth as a vamp, killing, hiding, being hunted by others like me? But if I called Cas, we'd all be dead anyway. Still, this woman seemed very confident that wouldn't happen. Too many poker hands at play, and I couldn't tell who had the shitty hand and who had the royal flush. I snapped out of it to see the points of her fangs just beginning to push down Sam's flesh and . . .

"Alright! Alright, you win." I called out, and she backed away. Sam's head lolled back down to his chest.

"Do it! Now!" she demanded of me.

This was my last ounce of hope, that I'd call Cas and in the split second he had to realize what was happening, he could smite these vamps. As soon as he appeared, I'd have to warn him. Cas wasn't always the fastest at calculating a situation. The only warning he'd have was the urgency of my call. I closed my eyes and prayed to him, making myself sound as desperate as I could. _"Cas, I need you here, man. Things are bad. Please. Help me. Cas, hurry." _The thing with praying to him was that it wasn't my words he heard, but the feelings that emanated from my calling. If he could hear my voice, I could have warned him ahead of time.

I heard the air whoosh before I saw him, and suddenly, there he was, eyes intensely searching the area around him, ready for anything. This was it, my only chance to warn him. "Cas! It's a trap! Kill them!"

His line of sight went straight to the closest vamp, which was Kyle. A silver blade dropped down from his coat sleeve, and just as he took his first stride, I heard the strike of a match. Everything slowed in motion, and I watched as the match flipped end over end, sailing through the air towards Cas. The recent memory of glass breaking crossed my mind, and I looked at the ground where Cas stood. In the dimly lit room, I could barely see the floor glistening at his feet, and made the connection. "Cas … holy … oil," I tried to scream, but my words came out slow and sluggish. The match landed on its unlit end, teetered for what felt like an eternity, and finally fell towards the edge of the oil. It ignited and fire spread in the shape of a circle, traveling left and right until the circle was complete. Cas pulled his foot back just in time, before he himself caught fire, but the end of his coat wasn't so lucky. The front edge flamed, but he saw it and patted it out quickly. There was a slight singed mark, but nothing more. Unfortunately, Cas was trapped inside of a ring of burning holy oil. There was nothing he could do unless the flames were either extinguished or the oil burned up.

I was still laying on the floor, hands and feet bound, and I felt the last of my hope die as my head hit the ground.

"Dean!" I heard Cas call to me. "Dean, are you alright? Answer me!"

"So, this is the angel, Castiel," said Alice as she walked around the ring of flames. "I was expecting someone … taller."

"Who are you?" he asked menacingly.

"This is Alice, and apparently you're the white rabbit," I called out from the floor. That earned me a swift kick in the thigh from Kyle, who came over by me after throwing the match.

"What do you want with me? I have no business with any vampires," Cas said.

"No, darling, your business would be with those two angels that have been chasing you around the country," she answered.

"And they'll be here any minute now. Holding me captive won't do you any good. As soon as they arrive they'll kill–"

"No, they won't," she said cutting him off as the air stirred and the two dark suited angels appeared.

They stood still a moment, taking in their surroundings, but they focused on Castiel inside the flames. "What's the meaning of this?" asked one of them.

"You said to keep him here until you arrived. We were just making sure he stayed put," Alice said.

The angel that spoke looked at Sam, still slumped over in his chair, and then to me laying on the floor. "You got your hunter, now give us Castiel," he demanded.

"Not just yet," said Alice, giving them a shifty smile.

The angels were smart not to trust her, but just like with Cas, as they started to advance towards her, the floor lit up, and another ring of fire appeared surrounding them. "You should not tamper with what you do not understand, creature," the angel warned. "We had an agreement."

"Yes, we _did_," she said, putting emphasis on the last word. "But someone else came along with a better deal."

At that point, we were all confused, until I heard the sound of a voice that hurt my ears like fingernails on a chalkboard. "Hello boys."

"Crowley," I groaned. Great, just to make matters worse, it was the King of Hell.

"Long time, no see," he said in that arrogant accent that struck every nerve in my body. "And look at you, all primed and ready, hog tied on the floor. And me without my lube."

"Fuck you, demon," I said. I was in no mood.

Crowley went to Sam, pulled his head up by his hair, and let it flop back down to his chest. "What's wrong with Moose?"

"Why don't you ask your minions here?"

Crowley looked at Sam again, noticing the bloody face, broken nose, and who knew how many other things that were wrong. "Who did this?" he demanded, sounding angry.

Alice stepped forward, but it was plain she was afraid of him. "We had to make him talk," she said, gesturing towards me. "He wouldn't call the angel."

"You knocked a tooth out," Crowley complained. "I thought I told you not to damage them."

"Hey," Alice said, finding her confidence. "You wanted Castiel, I got him here."

It began to dawn on me that Alice was never going to kill either me or Sam because whatever deal she had made with Crowley was to capture us and keep us alive. My instincts had been right. She was bluffing.

"Are you challenging me?" Crowley asked, and Alice took a step backwards. He looked at me again, and then back to Alice. "Oh … you're pissed off because I wouldn't let you kill him, especially after what he did to your son. Is that it?"

"He doesn't deserve to live," she seethed.

"Well, you might be right about that, but I need him alive … for now anyways."

"But you said once you got the angel, I could have the Winchesters."

Crowley made a face and rolled his eyes. "Yes, about that … I lied. I need them first, and then, if there is anything left, I'll bring them back. How's that?"

"I say that's bullshit," Alice scowled, and she hissed as her fangs extended. "Reid … Kyle!"

The two vamps joined their nest mother and started to gang up on Crowley. He didn't seem to have any concern, and snapped his fingers. All three vamps stopped breathing. Their hands flew to their throats as they choked, turning blue from lack of air. Blood started trickling from the corner of their mouths and their eyes and ears. They fell to the floor, trembling and convulsing until they stilled. I looked at Crowley, who tugged at the sleeves of his black suit jacket, and readjusted his tie. "Never liked vampires to begin with. Too greedy. Always wanting it now, now, now. And this one," he said, nudging Alice with the tip of his expensive leather shoes. "A modern day Verruca Salt." He made another comedic face and spoke in a high pitched voice. "But I want an Oompa Loompa. I want a goose that lays golden eggs. I want Dean Winchester's head on a spike, and I want it … now!"

I almost chuckled at that. It might have been funnier if it wasn't at my expense. I had to give it to Crowley. At least he had a sense of humor. Now was not the time though. "Crowley, this place is crawling with vamps. It won't be long, and you'll be overrun," I warned. Something told me he was not here to harm anyone except for those who wanted to harm me and Sam. I wasn't sure where Cas or the other angels fell into the scheme or what Crowley wanted with us.

"Which is why we need to be on our way," Crowley said. He came to me, flipped open a pocket knife, and cut my ropes. I rubbed my wrists and finally got up from the floor. Then he went to Sam and cut his ropes. "You see, this is why I specifically told them not to harm either of you. Now you have to carry him out of here, and that's just going to slow us down.

"Why the hell would we go anywhere with you?" I said.

"Well, I did just … SAVE YOUR ARSE!" he said nicely at first, and ended with a shout that echoed around the underground room.

"I'm not going anywhere until you free Cas," I demanded.

Crowley's eyebrows raised. "I'm glad you said something. I almost forgot," he said cheerfully. He blew lightly in Cas' direction, and extinguished the flames that surrounded him.

I immediately went to him, wanting to hold him and show my deep concern, but found myself holding back because of our current company. Instead, I clapped a hand to his shoulder and smiled slightly. "You ok, Cas?"

"Fine, but what about you?"

"I'm good."

Crowley interrupted us. "I heard about you two. Didn't believe it at first, but … well, Cas I can kind of see, but Dean . . ."

"Why do people keep saying that?" Cas asked seriously.

"You know, all the jokes and innuendos I've made, I've practically flirted with him every time," Crowley said to Cas. "And he's never given me a second look. When we get out of this mess, you'll have to tell me what it is that attracts them to you. First Meg, and now Dean. For an angel, you've got some crazy mojo, like bees to honey. If I could bottle that up and sell it." Crowley leaned into Cas' ear. "It's not something I can bottle, is it?"

Cas pushed him away and gave him an irritated look. Then he glanced at the two angels still trapped by holy fire. "What about them?"

"I was just going to leave them here, let the vampires figure out what to do with them."

"We can't do that. It wouldn't be right," Cas said.

"What? You want me to let them go? They'll just keep looking for you. Do you want to keep running from them? That's no way to live, Castiel," Crowley advised.

Cas went to them, careful not to get too close to the fire. "If we let you go, will you leave me alone? I've suffered enough for my past crimes, but the heart wants what it wants. I can't help my feelings for this human."

"We have our orders, Castiel. We must bring you back with us. Not everyone wants to see you punished, and quite a few will side with you. You could very well win your trial and be allowed to live on earth as you see fit, but that is not up to us," said one of the angels, the only one who spoke this whole time.

"Very well. I understand," Cas said, sounding disappointed. "We will let you go."

"What? No," I complained. "Cas, they'll never leave you alone."

"And perhaps it is time that I stood my trial. You heard them, Dean. There are plenty who will side with me. The odds are in my favor, but if I don't do this, I'll never be left in peace."

Now my ire was making blood shoot from my eyes. "So after everything we've been through, you're just going to up and leave and hope for the best? And if things don't go your way then, oh well for Dean? Is that what you're saying?"

Crowley stepped between us at that point. "Boys … boys, now is not the time for a love quarrel. Castiel, if you want me to let them go, I will, but we get a head start first. And no one is taking the angel anywhere," he said to me. "Not until I'm done with him."

"What the hell does that mean?" I said with resentment.

"I'll explain later. First, we need to get out of here. Dean, get your brother. Let's go," Crowley said taking control of the situation.

I started towards Sam, but Cas stopped me with his hand on my arm. "Let me heal him," he said softly, and I stepped aside. Cas laid his hands on Sam's head and a white light emitted from them. I watched as the bruises and cut marks disappeared. The swollen skin shrunk back to normal. Even his tooth mysteriously came back in place. Sam slowly opened his eyes, looking flabbergasted by everything.

"How you feel, little brother?" I smiled down at him.

"Amazingly well. Where's the vamps. And why is Crowley here?" Sam asked with confusion.

"I'm not exactly sure, but I'll tell you all I know on the way. We have to go. Can you walk?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Let's go."

"Finally," Crowley said.

Cas followed Sam, and Crowley started to fall in line, but I stopped him, glancing back at the two angels. I leaned into his ear so the others wouldn't hear. "Get rid of them … permanently," I told him.

"You sure?" Crowley seemed surprised by my order.

"They tried to kill Cas. I don't trust them to take him to heaven for his trial."

"But what about your boyfriend? If he finds out that you–"

"He won't find out," I said clearly. "Besides, Cas hasn't a mean bone in his body. He couldn't find it within himself to kill another angel, not after everything that happened before." I started walking so it didn't look suspicious to be found speaking in hushed tones with this demon. "Just do it."

"As you wish," Crowley said, and he followed me out of the mine. We went a little ways and turned a corner. Crowley coughed rather loudly to cover the sound of his fingers snapping. Then he looked at me with a nod. "Done."


	7. Chapter 7 More Questions Than Answers

**Chapter 7 – More Questions Than Answers**

We escaped the mine, Sam and I with our lives, and Cas with his freedom, though he didn't know it yet. I hated to think what would happen if he ever found out what happened to those two angels, or that I was the one who gave the order to destroy them. The way I saw it, it had to be done. Those two almost killed Cas that night he came to the bunker with his stomach sliced and nearly dead. I hoped Cas wouldn't find out about them, but if he ever did, I'd argue until the cows came home that I made the right call.

Crowley wasn't talking. Every time I asked him what he needed us for, he just said we'd discuss it when we got someplace quiet. I didn't trust him, but there had been those few times when he was an ally. We didn't like working together, but it was necessary once in a while. So now he needed us, and I had a slight bit of confidence knowing I was on this side of things.

We got to the car, and Sam and I jumped in the front. "Close call, huh?" I said to my brother.

"Too close. What happened anyways?" Sam asked. "I don't remember anything after that guy punched out my lights."

"Well, the woman threatened to vamp you if I didn't call Cas, which left me no choice but to do as she said. They had a trap of holy oil set up for him. And then the other angels popped in and got the same treatment. Finally, and I'm still trying to figure out why, but Crowley showed up. The vamps had a deal with the angels first, to trade Cas for us. Crowley said he sweetened the deal, and the vamps turned on the angels. In the end, when the vamps threatened to kill us, Crowley did one of those 'snap of the fingers, now you're dead' things, put out the flames around Cas, and we were out of there."

"What about the angels that have been chasing Cas?" Sam just had to ask about them.

I shrugged my shoulders and tried to keep the guilty look from my face. "Uh, we left them back there. The rest of the vamps will probably deal with them. Whatever, man, the important thing is that we made it out. Now we need to get Crowley to tell us what he wants us for. That's the whole reason he helped us escape. He's got some kind of job for us or something. I don't know. He's not talking yet."

"Things never go smoothly when Crowley's involved," Sam said skeptically.

"Yeah, I know." I noticed that the other two weren't in the car yet and I yelled out the window. "Let's go."

"I'm not sitting in the back seat next to this demon," Cas demanded.

Crowley raised each arm as though sniffing his armpits. "I'm sorry, do I offend?"

"You are an abomination to this world, and I refuse to have anything to do with you," Cas complained.

"Dean," Crowley called. "You want to talk some sense into your boy toy? We don't have the time for this right now."

I rolled my eyes and got out of the driver's seat. "Get in the car, Cas."

"I will not sit next him." He was very serious about this. I didn't need his defiance right now. Any minute, there was going to be a mob of vamps flooding out of the old coal plant.

"Fine, Sam, move to the back. Cas, sit up front."

"Oh no," Crowley refused. "I'm not riding in a car with those two sitting next to each other. They'll start making googly eyes at one another and next thing you know the car swerves off the road and we're in a ditch somewhere."

"I would never distract Dean while he's operating such a dangerous piece of machinery," Cas countered.

Crowley looked at me with disbelief. "Really, what do you see in him?"

I was quickly losing patience with them all. "Oh for the love of pie. Fine! Sam and Cas in the back. Crowley up front. Move it! Now!" And without any more complaints, we were finally on our way out of there.

We drove for a while in silence, each man within his own thoughts. I could see Cas in the rear view mirror. He was looking out the window, brows furrowed. Something was bothering him, but I couldn't tell what it was. We hadn't had a chance to talk about anything that happened yet. I just hoped everything was alright. Instead of thinking about it, I decided to start trying to get something out of Crowley.

"Sam and I gotta get home, and we need to get Cas somewhere safe. You, however, can't come with us, so you better get talking. What exactly is going on that you need our help?" I said sternly.

"You really like jumping right into business, don't you? No tackle and tickle, no foreplay. Is the angel alright with that?" Crowley jostled.

"Shut your filthy mouth," Cas said from the backseat.

"You want to come up here and make me?" Crowley defended.

"It would be my pleasure," Cas said.

Crowley crossed his arms and leaned back against the seat. "And after all I did for you back there."

"We would have been just fine without you," I said, taking the focus off of Cas.

"Oh would you? And just how were you planning on killing those vampires with your hands and feet bound, laying on the hard cold floor? I guess you could have rolled into them, huh?" Crowley shook his head. "I could have just grabbed you back there, and let Moose and the angel rot, but I thought, no, if I have to save one, I have to save them all or I'd never hear the end of it. You know–"

He went on and on complaining, and it was really wearing thin on my nerves. I looked in the mirror again, and caught Sam's eye. We had a signal for when we were about to do something in times like this, especially when Crowley displayed his diarrhea-of-the-mouth syndrome. I braced my hands on the steering wheel and straightened my arms, then gave Sam a wink. He nodded, understanding my meaning. Then I tilted my head in Cas' direction, and Sam got the hint. Sam nudged Cas, and without saying a word, showed him how to brace himself in the back seat by doing what I was doing with my arms. Cas looked confused, and looked at me in the mirror. My eyes shifted towards Crowley and back. Cas imitated Sam and me, readying ourselves for what I was about to do.

"And that's another thing about you three. Every time I think I've got something . . ." Crowley went on, oblivious to what I was about to do.

No one was around us on the road. It was the perfect time. "Don't you ever shut up?" I asked rudely.

"Excuse me?" said Crowley, offended. "I am the King of Hell and if I want to–"

"Oh for shit's sake. Can it, Crowley," I said.

"You know what, Dean? Fu–" He didn't finish his insult because I slammed on the brakes, making him hit his head on the dash. The rest of us had our arms braced, and Crowley was the only one unprepared. The tires screeched and the smell of hot brakes and burning rubber filled the car. Crowley slowly sat up, a nice big red mark on his forehead. It took him a second to realize what had just happened, and he touched his fingers to his head. He made a face like he was in pain. "Ow!" he complained. "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Get out of the car!" I yelled.

"What?" he cried in disbelief.

"Get out of the fucking car," I said again. I opened my door and jumped out, making my way around the front to the passenger side. I threw the door open and stood to the side. "I'm not going another inch until you tell me what the hell you're doing here. Obviously you've got some kind of agenda, and you've been wasting time instead of telling us what you want. So whatever it is, if you want us to even consider helping you, which I highly doubt we are going to do now, then you'll tell us what kind of shit you want us for, because I don't believe you or trust you."

"Alright, fine," Crowley said, climbing out of the car, still holding his hand over the bump starting to grow on his head.

I heard Sam and Cas get out too, but my main attention was focused on Crowley. We were parked to the side of some two lane highway, the only light coming from my headlights. Crowley paced back and forth a few times, still dealing with his head. Cas came to my side, watching every move that Crowley made. I couldn't help but feel like he was posturing, protecting me from this unpredictable demon. I didn't think Crowley would try anything at this point, but then again, you can't spell unpredictable without dick. Cas was smart to keep his guard up.

"Ok, here's the deal," Crowley started. "Being the King of Hell, I have my people spread all over the globe, keeping tabs on things, checking in regularly, and reporting any unusual findings. Of course for me, unusual findings means possible recruits. Anyways, there have been multiple reports of some kind of animal attacks, big as a bear, takes the victims head off in one bite, smells like a dumpster."

"Yeah, we've seen those too," Sam said. "And although it's horrible sounding, it's nothing out of the ordinary. The locations of the victims are in areas where there are bear populations, and attacks happen randomly, usually because campers don't know how to properly store or dispose of their food."

"Walking encyclopedia, this one," Crowley said with snarky humor.

"If it acts like a bear, smells like a bear, and resembles a bear, it's usually a bear," I said, unimpressed. "You got to do better than that, Crowley."

"It's not a bear. It's not a werewolf or a wendigo or a rugaru either," Crowley added.

"All the characteristics check out for this thing being a bear," I said, "except for the size. People said it was much larger than any normal bear species, but eye witnesses aren't very accurate in situations like this. It's nothing more than a bear."

"You know, just once, if you'd get your head out of your arse and listen to what I have to say–" Crowley complained.

Cas stepped between me and Crowley, hatred in his eyes. "Back off, demon, and show some respect."

Crowley shook his head and laughed to himself. "Well if it isn't the dynamic duo, a modern day Gamgee and Baggins."

"Who?" Castiel and I said in unison.

"Sam and Frodo?" my brother said. "From Lord of the Rings … Samwise Gamgee and Frodo Baggins?"

"Oh yeah. I saw those films. Great movies, man," I remembered.

"I seem to recall very little about this cinematography," Cas added.

"It was a series of books long before it was made into movies," Sam informed. "You know, Elves, Dwarves, Hobbits and The One Ring, written by Tolkien?"

"Ah, yes," Cas smiled. "Now I remember. Excellent story. The man was ahead of his time."

Crowley rolled his eyes. "Are we done yet?"

"So," I continued with our original discussion. "If it's not a bear, or so you say, then what the hell do you think it is?"

"I have no idea," he said shrugging his shoulders.

Sam came forward. "What's it matter to you anyways? You never gave a rat's ass about creatures killing people before."

"Yeah, Crowley, why do you care if a new form of evil had found its way here?" I asked distrusting him.

"Because these things don't stop at killing humans. They are taking demons," Crowley said. "Every demon I put out there to investigate has disappeared. I mean, they are gone, vanished into thin air. If they were killed, they'd end up back in hell, but they're all no shows. I want to know where they've gone and who's taken them."

I smiled haughtily. "Demons are disappearing, and I should care why?"

"Because no one collects demons to achieve something good. No one collects demons, period. Well, except me, but that's for business purposes only. The fact is, they are missing, not dead, which tells me someone somewhere is up to no good, and if their ultimate goal is to take over hell … well … I know we've had our differences in the past, but do you really want someone else running the show down there?"

I studied Crowley for a moment. He was difficult to read, but I actually felt that he had real concern about this, no matter how ridiculous it sounded. Still, I wasn't convinced, and I really didn't give a crap if demons were disappearing.

"You said you have people checking it out. What do you need us for?" I asked.

"Because you have that big fancy complex full of all kinds of references." He had a point. We had access to just about every book, object or spell used for good or evil.

"I don't know," I said with skepticism.

Crowley was getting fed up. "Why is it, when the angel asks for something, you're right there, no questions asked, but when I ask for the tiniest of favors, it's all suspicion and awkward stares. How many times have I helped you, and out of the kindness of my own heart . . ."

I was officially done. "You know what? Screw you! Figure it out on your own, you bastard. Sam, Cas, back in the car. Crowley, find your own way. We're out of here."

"Wait, Dean," Crowley pleaded. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. It's just … all this has me anxious, and … well … I've always lacked patience. All I'm asking is that you do a little research on this," Crowley begged, which made me skeptical.

"I don't know. Giant bears killing humans and stealing demons. It all sounds a little far-fetched–"

"But we'll look into it," Sam interrupted.

"We will?" I said surprised that he was siding with the enemy.

"Yeah, and besides, we need to get Cas under the radar. Those angels won't be held captive for long."

Crowley looked at me as if he was going to expose my secret about the angels if I didn't agree to this. "Good point," he said. "But I think you have quite a long head start over them."

I narrowed my eyes on him. "Alright, fine," I said through clenched teeth.

Crowley patted me on the back. "Good. Well, I must be on my way. By for now, ladies. Call me when you have something. You know my number." He disappeared, leaving me, Sam and Cas standing by the car.

"Guess we've got homework to do," Sam said.

"You really want to help him?" I asked. All I wanted to do was go back to the bunker and sleep for a week.

"He was right about demons vanishing. If someone is collecting them, or using them for some scheme far worse than anything Crowley has ever done, then I think we should do a little digging. Maybe we come up with nothing, and Crowley is just exaggerating. But maybe it's serious. I don't want to get caught off guard, especially if something new is brewing."

"Alright," I finally agreed. "But first … some rest. It's been a hell of a week."

* * *

><p>Since it was no secret anymore, Cas and I didn't have to sneak around. At least, we waited until Sam went to bed before we retired to my room. Tomorrow we would start looking into things for Crowley. Tonight, though, it was just me and Cas again, and sooner than I thought it would be. Last time he was here, he said he had to go away for a while. I knew it was because of the angels trailing him, but they were gone now. He didn't know that, and I wanted to keep things that way. But he seemed different, like only part of him was with me, here in my room.<p>

He wasn't completely unresponsive. Cas came up to me and kissed me lightly, his signal to me that he was ready for me to undress him. He knew how much pleasure it gave me to strip him of his clothes. It became our routine soon after we started sleeping together. Once we were both undressed, we slipped beneath the sheets, Cas first and then I moved in behind him, spooning him in my arms. Angels didn't sleep, but he always laid in bed with me while I took my rest. I think it comforted us both. At least in that one moment in time, we knew we were safe and together. My eyes grew too heavy to keep them open anymore, and I succumbed to my slumber.

I awoke a couple hours later, and Cas was still in the same place. If I didn't know better, I would have thought he was asleep. His breathing was slow and steady, and with his back to me, I couldn't see if his eyes were open. The sheet only came up to our waists, and I snaked my arm over his side, my hand caressing the trail of hair that led straight down from his bellybutton.

"You're awake," he said.

"Mm hmm," I replied, as I kissed the back of his shoulder and neck. I shifted my hips, pushing myself against his backside. He tensed a bit, which sent up a red flag. "Something wrong?" I asked gently.

"No … well … it's just …"

"If you're worried about protection . . ." And by protection, I meant the warding symbol that was now hidden in my closet.

"No, it's not that." He went silent again. I continued to caress him, and when my hand dipped beneath the sheet, he started talking again. "I met with some of my people." I immediately stopped my ministrations.

"Who?"

"Other angels, ones who support me. I wanted to know what was being said about me. All I knew was what the two angels who were chasing me had said, that my behavior was unacceptable, and that I was wanted for trial."

"You said there are some who support you. That's a good thing, right?"

"Well, they support me … yes. But they … don't support us."

"Oh," I said disappointedly. "Then how can you label that as support?"

"They want me to come home. They understand what it means to live on earth for so long that you begin to feel human. They don't want to see me punished. But they want to see me start anew, and stay up there where I can be of better service."

"What did you tell them?" I wondered.

"I didn't tell them anything. They did most of the talking. Some had stories similar to mine. None of them ended very well."

"What does that mean?"

"I don't know. I didn't find out because you called me, and I abandoned them. But before I went, they said that what I'm experiencing is a side effect of residing within a vessel for so long, and from living amongst humans all these years now. They said it's recrudescing, that the feelings I'm having are causative of the long term occupation of a human vessel."

"Say that again, slower and in English," I teased.

"I've been living as a human for so long that my mind has tricked itself into thinking it is human, and my feelings for you are residual emotions from the body I now possess."

"You don't believe that, do you?"

"I don't know what to believe anymore," he said.

"But that explanation doesn't even make sense, Cas. There's no one in the vessel with you anymore. There's no one there to influence your thinking. It's just you inside flesh, and nothing more. You of all people must know that when a human dies, their soul leaves the body."

"I do know that, but isn't it possible that some of that person's energy remains behind?" he asked.

"The body is made up of flesh and bone, blood and muscle. Everyone has that, but what makes us individuals lies within our hearts, our souls, and our minds. You can't see it or feel it. It's invisible, like a spirit. And when we die, those things escape the flesh to find their place in the afterlife. The body remains behind to decay and return to the earth. I guess in a way, we are all vessels."

"But for a long time, I did share this vessel with its owner. I experienced a lot of the things that he had. What if that's what I'm feeling? What if I'm only remembering Jimmy's emotions, and they are not my own?"

I removed my hand and my arm from his waist, and sat up on the edge of the bed. "So what are you saying, Cas … that none of this was ever real, because it sure the hell is real for me." Anger seeped into my tone. I couldn't help it.

Cas reached out to touch my arm, but I pulled away. "Dean . . ."

"So, have you always felt this way?"

"No, but I never gave it any deep thought before."

"You know what I think? I think you've let those sons of bitches get in your head, and fill it with nonsense." How could he do this to me? How could he question any of this, and after all we've been through? I hastily got out of bed and threw my pants on.

"Where are you going?" Cas asked.

"I need a beer," I said and left my room, heading for the kitchen. When I got there, I threw open the refrigerator door. What food we had left was scarce, and the milk was spoiled. With everything that had happened recently, it left us with little time for anything else. At least there was beer. There was always beer.

A few moments later, Cas came in. He was wearing a pair of my sweats and a tank. He always looked good in my clothes. Even now, with my ire flaming, I couldn't help but think that. I took a long swig from my beer, and set it down roughly.

"Do you have any idea how much I need you in my life?" I said from across the room, my voice low so as not to wake my brother. I doubted he would hear us though. His room was on the other side of the bunker. "Do you have _any_ idea what you mean to me?"

"Of course I do, Dean."

"Then why is it so difficult to understand what we have? If you love me … if you really care for me with your heart and soul, then it shouldn't be so hard. It isn't for me. I know what we have. It's the most intense thing I've ever experienced. It's the deepest love I've ever felt for someone."

"It's easier for you because you are human. These things come naturally to you." he said. "You assume it is that way for me too, but the fact is, no matter how much you want me to be like you, I'm not. I'm not human, and I think you forget that. I've never known what it felt like to be in love, and I'm learning, but I have questions."

"We all have questions, Cas. Even humans still question things like this," I told him.

"But I needed to confer with my own kind."

"So you went to your angel friends, and they gave you a load of crap." I shook my head without looking at him. "What do they know about humans and real love? I'm sorry Cas, but I don't trust any of your kind. All the one's I've met or had dealings with have been real dicks. They twist truths, and make you see things the way they want you to see them, especially if it benefits their own agenda."

"You're talking about my brothers and sisters," Cas said, seeming a little offended.

"Look at those two guys who were trailing you. They cut you, Cas, sliced open your stomach. They nearly killed you. And then they said they just wanted to take you in for questioning. That's not how it works. I don't think they cared whether they brought you back or not. If they really wanted you to have a fair trial, they wouldn't have tried to snuff out your lights."

Castiel looked down and away, avoiding eye contact with me. His hand went to the back of his neck, a clear sign that there was something more to the story than what he led me to believe. "It was me," he whispered.

"What was you?" I didn't know what he was talking about.

"They had caught up to me a few times prior to that incident. They were telling the truth. They just wanted to take me home. It's what they were told to do, nothing more. I got tired of it, and the last time they found me, I got angry." Cas stopped, eyes still cast towards the floor. "I was the one who attacked them. At first there was only one. I saw him before he saw me, and I jumped him. I pulled out my angel blade. I only meant to scare him, but things got out of control when the other angel appeared. He rushed me, we struggled. It was either him or me. It was almost me. I got away though, and you know the rest."

"But you told me they tried to kill you."

"I didn't want you to know. I didn't want you thinking … well, you remember what I'd become that time, all those angels that I had . . . I didn't want you to think that I was turning back into that horrible person again. I just wanted to be left alone. I was only trying to scare them."

Oh crap. Well, they would leave him alone now. "That's why you said to let them go, back there at the mine."

Cas nodded. "They never meant to kill me. They only acted out of self-defense."

Now I really felt bad. I had Crowley waste them. Shit, I hoped Cas wouldn't find out about that, but I thought they were the bad guys. "I know you can't be what you once were. You screwed up. We've all done that, some of us more than others. But you're different now, on the straight and narrow."

"I was … until … we … happened."

That stung a little, but I knew what he meant. Still . . . "Do you think what we are, what we feel for each other is wrong?"

He finally looked at me, and I could see he didn't believe that, but I needed to hear him say it. "Dean, no. What we have is beautiful."

"Then why are you questioning everything? You've got to learn to ignore the ones that make you feel bad about yourself and your choices. We are who we are. There's no help for it. And as for the angel/human thing, so what. We've had a long time to learn about each other. We've been through a lot. We've grown together. You did the right thing and made the right choices when you had to. You waited until you were free to choose on your own. You don't have anyone to answer to but yourself. Grasp onto that, Cas. Take hold of it. Make life what you want it to be. You control your destiny, and no one else. If you want to know what it's like to be human, do all of those things." I abandoned my beer and went to him. I played with the hem of his shirt, and then took his chin in my fingers. "Everything you feel, everything you decide to do is one hundred percent you. There's no one feeding you information. There's no residual energy making you experience your emotions. Everything powering you comes from right here," I said pointing to his chest.

"Thanks," he smiled, taking my hand lightly in his fingers. "I needed to hear that."

I took his head in my hands, and kissed his forehead. "You're part of this world now. You're a part of me. You got that?"

"Yeah, I do."

Just then I heard a slight rustle come from the hallway. I glanced from the corner of my eye and caught Sam moving away. "It's late. Go back to bed. I'll be there in a minute," I told Cas. He nodded and left the kitchen. I picked up my beer, taking another swig, and sat at the counter. "You can come in now, Sammy."

He appeared around the corner, face flushed pink from having been exposed for eavesdropping. "I didn't mean to interrupt anything. I just came out for something to drink."

"It's o.k."

Sam got a glass out of the cabinet and held it under the water dispenser on the fridge. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah … yeah, fine. Cas is just … coming to terms with a few things," I said.

"Sounded more serious than that," he commented, and I wondered how long he had been standing in the hall.

"He just got some bad advice, that's all. You don't want to hear about our problems."

"Dean, I'm always here for you, no matter what. So if you need someone to talk to . . ."

Sam still managed to surprise me from time to time. I really got the feeling that he was trying to understand me and my relationship with Cas. "Alright … well … apparently he swung by home to find out what they were saying about him and all this business. He sat down with some angels that he trusted to give him words of encouragement. They basically told him that what he was experiencing on earth was some kind of residual energy left over from Jimmy, and that none of the things he was feeling were his own emotions."

"That's pretty harsh," Sammy said, making a face.

"Now, Cas is second guessing a lot of things … including us," I whispered the last part. I felt awkward talking to Sam about this. Up until now, I kept my relationships to myself.

"Want me to … talk to him … or something?" Sam asked sincerely.

I couldn't help but laugh. "Yeah right, the only straight man in the room is going to give relationship advice to his gay brother's boyfriend."

"I'm just trying to help," he defended himself. "Besides, it can't be that much different than a straight couple's relationship."

"No, not really, except for the fact that Cas is an angel. But that's not a huge complication," I said flippantly. That wasn't fair, though. Sam was really trying here. "Listen, I know you want to help, but honestly, I don't know what you can do. This is something that Cas needs to work out on his own. He knows I'm here for him."

Sam traded his glass of water for a beer, and sat down on the stool next to me. "You really care for him, don't you? I mean, you … love him."

"Yes, very much so," I said tersely.

"But don't you ever think about … I don't know … like, the future? I mean, what's going to happen years from now? Cas doesn't age, but you will. And then, when you die, what will happen to you both?"

"I don't know. I haven't given it much thought. You think too much Sammy," I complained.

"These are the things that come to mind when I think about you and Cas … not that I spend my time thinking about you guys, but you know what I mean. It's not an average relationship, and there may be difficulties down the road. Listen, I just don't want you to get hurt."

"I'll figure things out as I go along. Geez Sam, don't you ever just live in the moment?" I was joking, of course, and Sam knew it. He threw his hand up in surrender.

"Alright, alright." He laughed lightly and smiled. We each took a swig of our beer and I decided to change the subject before things got any more awkward than they already were.

"So, any thoughts about Crowley and whatever he has cooking up for us?" I asked.

"As usual, I don't trust him, and I think that whatever he needs help with will turn out bad in the end. But whatever is going on, it's better that we know about it so we can put a stop to it."

"So where do we start?" I wondered.

"I don't know. We need eye witness accounts. We need to see if Crowley has any, as well as human witnesses."

"Just another day on the job," I jested, stretching my arms over my head. "We'll start on this in the morning. Right now, I'm too tired."

"Yeah, me too. G'night, Dean," Sam yawned, heading back to his room.

"'Night, Sammy." I took my beer with me, and stopped to grab Sam's too. No use letting good beer go to waste. Then I went back to my room, slowly easing the door open.

Cas was laying on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. His eyes were closed, but I knew he wasn't asleep. I sat down in a chair, and watched him while I finished my beer. He slowly turned his head towards me, eyes focused on mine. There was lust in them, something feral, as though he had given in and stopped questioning everything. I didn't say a word, but I watched him from my chair, and felt my body respond to his erotically suggestive stare. I bit my lower lip and shifted in my seat. Cas pushed up the tank top he wore, exposing his flat stomach, hands roaming over his bronze skin. I took a hard swig of my beer and sat the bottle on a side table. My fingers found their way to the button of my jeans, and slipped it through the hole. Then I unzipped the fly and pushed the flaps aside, exposing bristly dark hair that my fingertips traveled over. Cas' hands went to the waistband of the gray sweats. His thumbs dipped inside, ran along the edge to the sides. He lifted his ass off the bed, and slowly started pushing the sweats down, stopping before he exposed too much of himself. I observed the silhouette of his firm body, the way the muscles in his arms flexed, the slight rippling of his stomach, and the fine contour of his perfect ass.

"What do you want?" I asked seductively.

"I want you," he whispered.

I pushed my jeans off and stood, sauntering towards my wanton lover on the bed. Cas' hips gyrated up and down, but he waited for me to come to him and finish stripping his clothes. I took the sweats down real slow, exposing his already swollen cock, and tossed them to the floor. Then I crawled on top of him and pushed his shirt up, showing his chest, which I gave my thorough attention to. His nipples pebbled as my tongue circled each one. I bit lightly, and he sucked air in through his clenched teeth. Gradually, I made my way down along his stomach, licking and sucking on the smooth skin. My hands found their way to his ass, squeezing as his hips lifted. A moan escaped my throat. "Mmm, you're fucking gorgeous, you know that?" I purred. My arms hooked under his knees, and I pushed his legs up so he was in position. I took my time slipping into him.

"Oh, Dean," he uttered in a breathy sigh.

We made love slowly, and I controlled him with my thrusts. Whenever he was close, I pulled back, giving sweet torture until neither one of us could hold back anymore. When he finally let go, he cried out my name, and that brought me to climax, stiff, hard and rigid, pulsating, surrounded by his heat. I released his legs, and they wrapped around my waist. I collapsed on top of him, and we stayed that way, melting into the euphoric aftershocks, my detumescent flesh satisfied to be within him.

"This is why it's worth it," I whispered. "This is why I won't let them take you."

"To be with you in this state, to feel you, to love you … how can this be wrong?" he said, convincing himself.

"They've never had what we have, Cas. This isn't a figment of your imagination. This is real and it's raw, and I'll take down every angel in heaven to keep you with me."

He kissed me and smiled. "I love you, Dean. I know that with all my heart, and I know I've been difficult lately. I'm sorry to put you through this … confusion. You're re right. I let them get into my head. I should never have let them do that, but I thought they were helping me. They seemed so sincere. I just want them … all of them … to leave us alone."

"So do I, Cas. So do I." I came to rest at his side, and fell into some sort of half slumber. I was conscious of my surroundings, but I also felt weightless as though I floated between the two worlds. On my left was Cas, solid, real, warm. On my right, the empty wall seemed to fall away and open up, the scene constantly changing. I realized that I was seeing flashes of my past, but not the things that I usually conjured up in my mind. I didn't just see all the turmoil, but the road that led me through all the bullshit. There was a time when I would have thought of myself as an idiot for making some of those decisions, but I was seeing it through a different pair of eyes. I now knew that the choices I made were the best options I had at the time. They didn't always work out the way I wanted them to or hoped they would, but everything I did led me to where I was now. My life wasn't perfect … far from it … but it was the best thing I'd had going for me. And yet, part of that path belonged to Castiel. When he came along, things really started to change, and I knew I was a better man for it.

I surfaced from my dreamlike state, and rolled onto my side, contouring to Castiel's body. "Did I ever thank you?" I whispered in the dark.

"For what?" Cas asked.

"For all the times that you saved my life and rescued my soul, and I'm not talking about yanking me out of hell."

"I'm afraid I don't understand," he said honestly.

"I was a mess at one time. I thought it was easier to ignore small things, and let them work out on their own. What I didn't know was that I was deteriorating, crumbling apart, rusting away. Slowly over time, I was just … eroding. When you met me, I was done. I was so done with life, with my life. But you help me come back," I confessed, pulling him tighter against me.

Cas rolled over so we were facing each other. "I'll always be there for you, Dean, no matter where our path leads us."

"I know that now. You've had plenty of chances to bail on me, but you haven't, even with all our mistakes and disadvantages. We've come so far, Cas. It's been a long journey, and it's not over by a long shot. I know there's still a lot of road before me, and looking down that black ribbon makes me feel intimidated. I can only see so far before the mirage distorts it. Maybe it's always felt that way, but having you with me sure makes the trip a lot more tolerable."

He smiled, his full lips curving so that it reached the corners of his eyes. They danced with hope for a future that included both of us, and renewed me with confidence that it would come to pass. If Castiel, an angel of heaven, felt this emboldened, then I had to trust his unspoken prediction. "I'll be with you until the end," he said, but his smile lessened slightly as he turned his head to the side.

And that's when it hit me, Cas' questions, his uncertainty, his mission to seek the answers. There would be an end, eventually … my end. I knew my fate. Every person did. We lived … we died. It wasn't like that for Castiel, no matter how close he came to feeling human. He'd been around since the creation of angels, and he would be here long after mankind disappeared. In the scheme of things, my mortal existence was like a blade of grass in God's front lawn. But there had to be more to it than that, right?

"Hey," I whispered against the side of his neck. "There's something else you must learn about being human."

"What's that?"

"Live in the moment. Make the most of what's been given to you, and relish the memories when it's gone."

"I'll have to work on that last part," he said somberly.

"You'll have plenty of time before then. Besides," I laughed. "I'm too stubborn, and I can be a real douche when I want to be. How's that saying go? 'Heaven doesn't want me and hell is afraid I'll take over,' or something like that. I've been cast out of both so far. The way I see it, I've got nowhere to go."

Cas gave a quiet laugh. "And apparently, Purgatory has no place for you either."

"What can I say? Mine is a unique situation," I said, smiling against his neck. "I guess when no one knows what to do with someone like me, they're handed over to an angel."

"I like your way of thinking," he said, kissing my forehead.

"No more worries, ok?"

"Yes," he answered, and for now we were good. Things were in place, and all was right with the world.

But then again, I never knew what tomorrow would bring.

**To be continued . . .**


End file.
